


A Hole in the Earth

by orphan_account



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Save Arcadia Bay Ending, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22626649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sacrificing Chloe had been the right thing to do. Max knows this, she really does. It's just that there's now a hole in her chest where her heart used to be and moving on... just isn't that easy.
Relationships: Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Victoria Chase
Comments: 45
Kudos: 95





	1. Vessel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I am a collapsible bridge  
> A link between ribs  
> And I've caved in  
> I bet you wanted to come in  
> But you won't fit  
> I need room for my demons’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title/lyrics from ‘Vessel’ by Many Rooms(beautiful song, check it out!) [Link text](https://youtu.be/wtC9_rOr98w)

Max POV (Friday afternoon)

It’s the grittiness in her eyes, bloodshot and scratchy and the dull _ache_ between them that make themselves known first today, before the flashbacks start. It’s been months (it feels like only seconds ago) since the moment she chose Arcadia Bay over Chloe and she is the only person aware of the void the other girl left behind. All around her, they move on with their lives.

Kate is doodling in her notebook(if Max squints she can make out a fluffy looking bunny on the page). Victoria is discreetly texting under her table, Taylor casting curious glances at the blondes phone and Alyssa who is seated behind the substitute teacher doesn’t bother to hide the fact that she is completely zonked out.

Said teacher drones on and on and the throbbing builds in her temples with every word. The room is too bright. Max jerks her head to clear the heavy haze that’s settling in but she can’t stop it now, because Mr. Jefferson is calling her name- _no_ **, _no_** , she grits her teeth. There’s a cool breath of air on the back of her neck, and the hairs stand on end ( _I could frame any one of you in a dark corner, and capture you in a moment of desperation)_ and she is back in the dark room so suddenly, nauseated with the drugs in her system and bound to a chair and out of the corner of her eye she sees Victoria, sprawled out and they’re both going to **_die_** _-_

“Miss Caulfield?” A voice breaks through the illusion and her head snaps up from where it had fallen in her palms, vision distorted as she takes a shaky breath. “Would you care to take part in today’s lesson?”

“ _I don’t want to die like this”, Victoria’s voice is weak and laced with fear, tears sliding down her cheeks._

_“Victoria, we will find a way to escape. I promise.” Max **lies.** _

_“Max… I believe you.”_

“Ah…” Max manages past her nausea, her throat dry and she forces herself to focus on the present. Mr. Clark isn’t… _him._ “I’m sorry Mr. Clark… I’m just not feeling so hot.”

She sees now that they’re all staring at her with that- that look. Concern, pity, poor Max is so messed up after everything that happened- what do they even know, she grits her teeth because that isn’t fair to think but she’s just… so tired. Kate is watching her with sad eyes that Max avoids because she has been keeping the other girl at an arm's length for weeks now. She even catches Victoria’s glance in her direction, a slight frown furrowing her brow but at least there’s no pity there. It still hurts to look at her, all the same.

“I can see that, Miss Caulfield. You are rather pale, I suppose.” Mr. Clarks tone has softened, leaning back against the table behind him in a relaxed manner. “Why don’t you head to the nurse?”

“Th-thanks, Mr. Clark.” She stutters out, standing and becomes acutely aware of the fact that her skin is slick with sweat beneath the t-shirt and gray hoodie she’s wearing despite the chill in the room. Grabbing her bag she shuffles out of the classroom purposely past Victoria’s desk and ‘accidently’ bump into the blondes shoulder just to make sure that she’s real.

This of course manages to piss Victoria off as Max collides into the blonde and she sputters out a sharp insult but Max can barely hear her (Lamefield? Hipster-trash, maybe?). Max lets out the breath she had been holding and makes her escape.

The hallways are clear and her footsteps reverberate despite how lightly she treads, trepidation building. Every step down the hall takes her closer, but it’s the only way out and she can never avoid it. There’s a constricting sensation in her chest, the sickening guilt slithering around her ribs like a snake, hungry for the last breath to leave her body before it feasts. It readies to strike as she walks past the girls bathroom where it all started and she swears she sees the flicker of that blue butterfly, luring her forward. Mocking her. Max feels bile burning the back of her throat and she stumbles to quicken her pace until she’s sprinting back to the dorms seeing nothing but –

_Chloe falling and dying and knowing she could save her at the cost of every other life in this god forsaken fucking town, but instead she hunches over her knees, salty hot tears scalding paths down her cheeks._

Her lungs are burning furiously and she is forcefully sucking in each breath as she reaches the dorms and rushes in past a concerned looking Dana who tries to stop her (“Max, wait!”) but Max pushes past as quickly as she can into her own room. If only everyone would just stop trying to **help.**

She thought… she had honestly thought she could do this. That she could come back after Winter break, against her parents protest, and against her therapist advice. Chloe had died for this town and maybe Max just enjoyed twisting the knife wedged between her ribs that has pricked her heart and she is positive she’s bleeding out internally. 

Part of her stays to make sure Kate is okay. The other part of her, the part that feels responsible for fucking with the fabric of time, stays to make sure that the world won’t unravel in her absence and that is an anxiety that makes her sweat all over again. She remembers the nightmares before the catalyst and how distorted the world had been( _I just wanted to know if you’d like to spend the rest of your life in my Dark Room? We could be so happy together… **)**_ and she is violently ill now, barely making it to the trash can next to her desk. Those pieces of memories lingered, the fragments like shards of glass imbedded too deep to remove and too small to be seen. 

This is a punishment she deserves she had already decided. A constant reminder of what Chloe had sacrificed herself for- people who would squander their lives away with alcohol and drugs and gossip, never knowing Chloe had died to give them life. She dry heaves until she is a weak, pathetic mess.

Max manages to lift herself enough to crawl into bed fully dressed and damp. The headache is threatening to split her skull in two and reveal all of the darkness she had buried away and we can’t have that, she reasons with herself as her eyes slide shut. She had skipped her fair share of classes now, even though it’s only been a month since the beginning of the semester. What did a few more matter, now?

Maybe Max should tell Kate, the absurd idea springs to her mind, that the only true lord and savior was actually a blue haired delinquent named Chloe Price. Max lets out a strangled laugh at the thought and she chokes it off just as quickly, startled by the sound. It feels like she is losing her grip, cut loose in a sea of grief and Max was never the strongest of swimmers.

So she lets go.

_“Um, hellooo? Earth to Maximus Prime!” Chloe snorts, waving a fork loaded with pancakes in front of a very dazed Max’s face._

_“Chloe!” Max snatches the fork from her best friend’s hand and shoves it into her own mouth, grinning. The pancakes taste like ash on her tongue and Max knows this isn’t real but Chloe is here and that’s all that matters._

_“Jeez, you’ve been spacing out on the reg!” Chloe shakes her head, digging into her own breakfast. The Two Whales is empty Max notes but they have their favorite booth and it had never mattered who was around when they were together anyway- they were the only two people in existence then. “I’m glad I get to see you again, ya know?”_

_This revelation startles Max and she drops her fork, when she notices the bloodstain seeping through Chloe’s tank top, but the other woman seems oblivious to the wound. Max gapes at her._

_“Do you… do you regret it, Max?” Chloe asks and her eyes are glistening, her hand reaching out to Max-_

There’s a knock at her door and she starts awake, cold and alone in her dimly lit room and there are no pancakes and no Chloe here and she almost closes her eyes to find her way back. She waits, hoping whoever it is will leave but the knock resounds through the room again, a little more forceful now. She gets up and opens the door to reveal a very miffed Victoria Chase, scowling and holding out Max’s camera.

“Try not to forget your shit, Caulfield. How will you snap your precious selfies without this?” Victoria huffs out, pushing the camera into Max’s chest when the smaller girl makes no immediate move to take it from her.

Max stares down numbly at the camera and takes it, managing a small nod despite the fact that her head is filled with lead and the weight of it makes the motion painstakingly difficult. There had been a time when the idea of forgetting her camera would have been impossible.

It feels foreign in her hands now.

She glances back up to Victoria who is watching her with unreadable green eyes, pink lips parted as if she has something else to say. Instead she shakes her head and turns away to her own dorm.

For a moment Max raises a hand _,_ almost as if to stop the blonde who was already opening the door to her own room, but she doesn’t because all she can see now is the Victoria that died(even though Max had **promised** her _)_ , sprawled across the dark room floor.

Dead like Chloe. Like the Kate she didn’t save.

Max has two out of three in this reality and shouldn’t she just be grateful? She sinks her teeth into her lip until she tastes the metallic warmth of blood. The pain helps.

She stares at Victoria’s closed door for a moment longer before she shuts her own.

***  
  


Victoria’s POV (Friday night)

There’s a bite to the air as the breeze rustles her short blonde hair and she takes another drag from the cigarette between her lips. It’s almost 3am and she’s sitting on the dorm steps alone staring at Nathan’s contact in her phone. Just months ago he would be there on the other end, ready to distract her from reality if he hadn’t…she clenches her eyes shut, exhales a cloud of smoke out.

In a single week in October, she had discovered her best friend and her mentor were murderers and a nagging fear tugged at the back of her eyes, sinking its claws into her brain as it whispered and squirmed its way in.

_You were almost like them. If Max hadn’t- **Stop.that.**_ She shakes her head sharply.

How had she not recognized the monsters in her life for what they were? She had asked herself the same question, again and again but she had never really let herself delve too deeply into anyone or any situation. It had been so much _easier_ to pass judgment on others if she never had to peel back the layers. Ruling with an iron fist over people she viewed as lesser than herself(which is hilarious, because Victoria **hates** herself) was just... simpler that way.

But Nathan had been her best friend and how did she fuck up so fucking badly _._ She had never even suspected. He had been erratic of course, but that could have been the stress of living in the shadow of the Prescott name, forcing him to crack like a chunk of coal that wasn’t capable of becoming a diamond despite the sheer amount of pressure applied. It was a feeling she was all too familiar with and she hadn’t wanted to call him out on it.

Nathan had killed Rachel Amber and had been by Victoria’s side, living his life as though it had never happened- but maybe that had been his breaking point? He snapped and killed again, this time more violently.

She thinks a lot about the murder she played a part in, by not recognizing the suspicious behavior of her best friend before he shot Chloe Price, who should never have even been there(and Max had to watch it all happen and this is another punch to her gut).

And then there was Mr. Jefferson, who had killed dozens of others. Who had manipulated everyone around him into believing he was a good man, even if he had a bit of a temper. He was just passionate, right? A talented artist and they were lucky, any one of them for the attention and advice he offered.

But Victoria had been next, she shivers, thinking about the investigation now and how they had shared that dangerous little fact with her. A name on a red binder, empty and ready and she had never once suspected where the rabbit hole of her own ruthless ambition and obliviousness to all else had led her. She had tried to seduce a man who was quietly plotting her murder. She wonders if Nathan had known that Mark Jefferson was going to kill her and if he would have let it happen. If she ever visited him, maybe she’d ask.

Victoria thinks about Kate on the roof, too.

How she nearly drove the girl to jump off of a roof seeking an end to the bullying Victoria had started (a girl Max had saved, cleaning up a mess Victoria had made and stopping the other girl from falling into the casket Victoria had practically built and engraved “Kate Marsh” _)_.

She thinks a lot about how she probably deserved to die in that dark room.

***

Max POV (Saturday)

_I’ll always love you, Chloe cries before they are torn apart by the reality of the situation and Max has to choose and she is all of 18 years old and the fear leaves her cold and shaking. She chose wrong, she tears at herself later, alone as she digs nails into her own skin to keep from **screaming**._

Max wakes up slowly and thinks that the cruelest thing is that she wakes up every morning ( ~~that she wakes up at all~~ ) only to remember what she has lost and what she has done. On her bedside table, her phone vibrates, like it had been on and off since yesterday afternoon and she closes her eyes to keep from looking at it. She pulls Captain to her chest and debates checking it out.

People cared, but she doesn’t want(or need) them to. It didn’t make it right to abandon them though, she sighs into Captains warmth and fuzziness. She had promised herself she would stop doing that after…

The phone buzzes again, and finally she rolls over to check it. 9 new notifications, almost all of them from yesterday.

**Mom** (their weekly check-in): Are you taking your meds honey? 

**Max** : Yes, Mom. Feeling better.

**Warren:** Hang this weekend? 

**M** **ax:** Not feeling so great, sorry Warren.

**Dana :** Max, what’s going on? 

**Max:** I’ll be okay, I’m sorry I worried you. :(

And Kate who had just messaged her- oh, wait. There are 3 missed texts from Victoria, last night (3am Victoria? Really?).

**Queen Bitch(** Max winces and makes a mental note to change that):What happened yesterday _?_

 **Queen Bitch _:_** You don’t have to tell me but…if you ever need to talk…

 **Queen Bitch _:_ **You’re probably sleeping, sorry.

Max stares at the screen, fingers twitching with the indecisiveness she felt. This was… strange.

 **Max :** I’m sorry, I was sleeping. Thank you

She opens up the most recent messages from Kate, to keep from staring at Victoria’s texts.

**Kate** : Are you okay? You looked like you had seen a ghost in class yesterday and you haven’t been responding to my texts. :(

 **Kate** : Please, Max. I worry about you.

**Max** : I’m sorry Kate… (Max pauses, chewing her lip, debating telling the other girl the truth. She decides maybe she should.) I’ve just been having flash backs. Ever since the funeral.

**Kate** : Oh Max. I know you were close to Chloe, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through... But I want to be here for you, the way you always have been for me, so please try not to shut me out if you can help it?

**Max** : I know Kate, thank you. Tea soon?

**Kate** : Oh yes, please! Alice and I would be so happy to see you! This afternoon? <3

**Max** : Sure, Kate. Is 4 okay?

She surprises herself, but the quiet girl has had her fair share of torment these past few months and Max really needed to be a better friend. She had been given a second chance and having seen what happened when she didn’t make an effort the least she could do was try. She scolds herself for keeping the other girl at a distance. Kate was fragile and needed her friends to be there.

 **Kate** : See you then :)

Max set her phone down, before standing up to stretch. Her muscles resist at the sensation but she pushes through the stiffness. She’s still wearing her outfit from class yesterday afternoon (ugh) and at the thought she glances at her reflection in the mirror.

The girl who stares back at her is a ratty mess of brown hair that desperately needs to be trimmed, almost brushing her shoulders. There are shadows under her eyes and her freckles stand out more than normal against her sickly pale skin and she grimaces as she tries to run fingers through her hair and can’t. It was sickening, seeing herself like this now and she gathers her shower supplies, a towel and change of clothing before heading to the shower room. She couldn’t let Kate see her like this. 

_Where is everyone_? She thinks to herself, blearily glancing out a window. It’s Saturday, but she can’t think of any reason for the hush that fell over the dorm. Something was probably happening on campus.

The days have blurred, lately and it reminds her of when she would get caught up in the constant rewinding but now there is nothing but forward, the passing of time that trickles down like granules of sand into her already aching eyes when she would like nothing but to stay very, very still. She had never had much choice in the matter though.

She starts her shower, letting the heat blister her skin and wash away the Max she doesn’t want to be, the one she is alone with now, living in her skin. She doesn’t want to be this person, who is empty, who hurts and resents the people around her for living without ever paying the price she and Chloe had paid and would never know the things she knew. It isn’t fair and she feels like a child, stomping her feet because she couldn’t have her cake and eat it too and she **_hates_** this.

_“What’s the point of cake if you can’t eat it?”_ Chloe would have scowled at just the suggestion alone.

Right now, she just doesn’t want to be this Max. She doesn’t want to be the Max who had chosen Arcadia Bay or the Max who had let Victoria die or the Max who hadn’t talked Kate down from the roof but she is all of the Max’s at once and she had left a ruin in her wake in every reality she touched.

The Max Chloe loved would have been better than that, she cries silently, taking in shaky deep breaths (but everything she had done, everything she had destroyed had been for Chloe). She numbly goes through the motions; shampoo, lather, rinse. Just keep treading water. She waits until she is sure her tears have stopped falling before she shuts the water off- it was a step by step process now. Just let a little bit out at time when you’re alone, wipe away the evidence, and continue about your day.

It was a skill she was learning to master, much to her therapists dismay. There’s only so much she could have told the woman, considering the concept of time traveling would have gotten her locked in a psych ward for good. Words like depression and ptsd from witnessing the murder of her best friend were spouted out at her and the medication left her with a constant sense of hollowness, her parents expressing so much concern for the loss of their daughter to an illness they couldn’t see. They could never understand and it hurts Max to hurt them. She just doesn’t know how to be whole again.

How does anyone move on after sacrificing their best friend( ~~the love of her life)~~? 

Max towels dry, pulling on her last clean pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt, leaving her hair to air dry as it drips along her shoulders. On her way out she notes she looks a bit more put together than when she had walked in, and somehow that helps ease the pressure in her chest. She had just left the shower room when the entrance to the dorms opened.

Huh. She wasn’t expecting to run into Victoria walking back to her room on a Saturday morning, especially after those 3am texts looking as though she had just come back from a jog. Did the girl never rest? The blonde’s normally neatly styled pixie cut was wind tussled; cheeks rosy with exertion and she wore a sporty windbreaker, form fitting track pants and fancy looking running shoes. When she notices Max staring her face twists into what is only a shadow of her signature sneer as she snaps “Take a picture, Caulfield- it’ll last longer.”

“Déjà vu.” Max startles herself and Victoria with a hint of a smile. The unused muscles almost protest at the slightest curve of her lips. “We’ve been here before, haven’t we?” For a moment Max worries that maybe this memory isn’t one they share(it’s so easy to get confused now _)_ , but Victoria’s eyes flash with recognition and she nods slowly.

“Yes, I suppose we have.” Victoria scoffs, brushing sweaty strands of hair from her forehead. She surveys the smaller girl and Max fights the urge to squirm as heat rushes to her cheeks, warm and awkward in the silence that follows.

She is uncomfortably aware of her threadbare pajamas and the fact that Victoria is wearing what looks like designer (like everything Victoria owns) workout gear, somehow still glamorous and put together. She almost thinks Victoria will find something to say about Max’s clothing and her financial situation as per the blondes usual routine and she waits expectantly (almost hopefully, what the fuck) for a jab that doesn’t come.

“You look…better today.” Victoria murmurs so quietly Max almost doesn’t catch it.

Max stares at the other girl, confused and wringing her hands under the blondes focused gaze. Shadowy green eyes regard her wearily before she speaks again. “I’m…glad.”

Victoria makes for her door then, her features tight when Max responds, just as quietly. “You too, Victoria.” She hesitates, bites her lip for a moment watching the other woman who stands with her hand hovering over the door knob. “I’m glad you’re here. That you’re… alive.”

Max knows this is something that might not make sense to this Victoria, but she says it anyway because it’s true. Victoria nods her head anyway and there’s a slight tremble to her shoulders when she turns away.

Was she? No… was she- crying?

Max wonders then if Victoria is haunted by her own demons, as she watches the blonde struggle silently, unsure of what to do.

“Would you want,” The words have left her mouth before she has time to register them herself. Max pauses, flushing again but it’s too late now. Victoria stiffens but waits expectantly, back still facing Max. “Would you want to spend the night tonight, maybe? Watch a movie… or something?”

The static that fills the silence is heavy, eons passing by in sluggish seconds before the blonde shrugs a delicate shoulder.

“I’m sure I have better things to do, Smallfield.” There’s a haughtiness to her tone, but it sounds so… forced, to Max’s ears. Victoria turns, eyes glassy with tears that the blonde would never let fall, her cheeks dry but still wind chapped from her run. “I’ll text you later?”

“Okay.” Max shuffles back into her own room, leaning against the closed door. A night with her bully was such a strange idea. She had to admit though, that it would be… nice, to not be alone. She wondered what Chloe would say to that prospect.

_“Victoria Chase? Really? Come on Maximus, you could do way better!” Chloe’s voice rings in her ears, all bravado and cheeky smirks._

“All I wanted was _you, you **idiot.”**_ Tears prick at her eyes again and she’s already on a roll today. She is alone in the wasteland that is her bedroom, surrounded by photos and trash and laundry that needed to be done, talking to herself and Max digs the heels of her palms into her eyes, trying to hold back the wave of agony that twists her organs into knots.

_“Do you... do you regret it, Max?” Chloe from her dream asks again._

_“_ Every day.” She whispers to the empty room.


	2. White Leather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I saw you pass me by  
> No hello  
> Not even a smile  
> And I said  
> A silent goodbye  
> Goodbye’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title/lyrics from 'White Leather' by Wolf Alice [Link text](https://youtu.be/stGHWbqqXS0)

Max’s POV:

Lying in bed again hadn’t exactly been Max’s plan after the brief motivation that had urged her on earlier, just enough to shower and start some of the laundry that had begun to pile before anything could make its home in the filth. But bed is where she finds herself now, mostly dressed and ready for her tea date with Kate but not quite ready to move. “What even is this?” She casts the question out into the stillness of the room.

This is the first time she's made plans in months and she regrets making them now, even if it’s just Kate and a movie night with Victoria could only go so badly, but the general sense of unease that shrouded her fed the anxiety holding her back. 

She has a few more minutes until she needs to be at Kate’s room and despite the ghostly fingers of haunting memories and the faraway voices, asking her _why did you fail us-_ she tumbles out of bed clumsily to escape them, untangling herself from the sheets.

Raggedy, beat up converse. Check. Hair? Fine, messy but fine. Sweater, ah, “where is it…” got it, okay good we can do this. “We can do this.” She repeats aloud to herself. “No more sulking, okay dude?”

“ _You’re Max fucking Caulfield. Time-lord, savior, best friend!”_ The Chloe her mind has created assures her _._

“I’m Max fucking Caulfield.” Her reflection echoes, unsure of itself, staring back at her meekly. 

She should probably be worried about the fact that she was talking to herself and the shade of her best friend more and more but one hurdle at a time. The first one: head to Kate's room.

One foot in front of the other, just open the door Max. Okay, good, just a few more steps and… we’ve made it. See? Progress.

She stands in front of Kate’s door for a full 5 minutes listening to the rustling on the other side like a creep, before she musters the strength to knock. The door swings open after a muffled ‘Coming!’ and she is instantly greeted with the smell of something floral and toasty, some heavenly herbal mix brewing inside the room.

“Hi Max.” Kate beams and holds the door open to let her in and Max can’t help but return that infectious smile. 

“Hey Kate.” Max follows the other girl to where she has set up a teapot, two teacups, and pillows for them to sit on. The sight fills her with nostalgia for times when things had been simpler, however short that time had been. The crate in the corner of the room revealed a very sleepy Alice comfortably nestled in her bedding. 

Max notes that Kate’s room is immaculate. Books lined neatly along their shelves, stacks of homework piled uniformly on the desk, art supplies stocked and organized on the shelves. Remembering the state of the other girls room after the Vortex Club video went viral, Max is relieved that things were moving forward for Kate. With the blinds open and sunlight streaming into the room, it was no longer a dungeon of despair.

“How has your semester been so far?” Max asks as she settles down on a pillow directly across from Kate, who is preparing both cups of tea. The smell of Chamomile is lovely and she accepts the cup she is handed gratefully, cradling it close, letting the warmth seep into her chilled fingers.

“Oh, Max, things have been wonderful this semester! Did you see that Victoria took the video down?” Kate is practically bursting at the seams with a radiant energy, the quiet downtrodden girl having done a complete 180 since her depressive episode in the fall. Wow, no, Max hadn’t known and she shakes her head in shock. “I was surprised, but at the hospital she left me a note... apologizing for what she had done and I suppose she’s making an effort now? Regardless, I know the video is still out there, but it still means a lot that she tried.” 

Huh. Max had mostly tuned the world out as of late, but thinking about it now, Victoria and her lackeys had mostly dropped off the face of the earth after Nathan and Jefferson. Things had been eerily quiet around Blackwell, she supposed.

“Wowsers, that’s amazing Kate. Has she actually apologized in person though?” Max can’t help but ask remembering how she had frozen time and how Victoria had been standing at the ready, recording Kate’s almost final moments and she feels her jaw clench. Kate shakes her head ‘no’, frowning slightly at whatever expression Max must have been making. Max sighs. “Well…I guess we can just hope that she gets there soon. She definitely owes you a real apology, to say the least.” 

“We did…talk briefly, the first day school was back in session…It wasn’t exactly an apology; rather she took the time to assure me of a few things I had wondered about… I would be shocked if she managed it, but I would appreciate it. I am still a bit afraid of her though.” Kate says with a soft smile and the silence between them is comfortable as they both ease back into each other’s company. Not for the first time, Max is surprised by the quiet strength of the girl in front of her.

Max was kind of a hypocrite in a way, wasn’t she? She was so tired of everyone seeing her as a victim, letting it become the all-consuming thing they focused on. They handled her as though she would come undone at any moment, choosing their words carefully. They hovered nearby, when they thought she wouldn’t notice, in case she unraveled before them and hadn’t they all been treating Kate the same? But Max isn’t broken (she resents the idea even) and neither is Kate.

After everything Kate had been through, she had reached rock bottom and had climbed back to the top with fingers scrabbling at faltering rock that crumbled and slowed her ascent, fighting against a world that did not want her to win. She had almost lost the battle (‘ _Max, I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up…unless I go to sleep’_ Max flinches at the memory, buries it deep), but she had survived. It wasn’t fair to think of her as a victim when she had fought so hard to be where she was now. 

Max lets herself drift into the lull, eyes wandering, allowing herself to be free in this space where there was nothing but her and Kate and Alice, still sleeping peacefully, unaware of how desperate Max was to love her. Around Kate’s desk, she had hung up multiple new drawings, colorful and lively, like something plucked straight from a children’s book. Many fluffy bunnies made their appearances, adorably enough. Max was about to ask about them when Kate broke the silence.

“Do you have any exciting plans for the evening?” Kate asks, sipping at her rapidly cooling tea with a sigh of contentment.

“Actually…Victoria and I might have a movie night together tonight, believe it or not.” Max laughs at the wide eyed, open mouthed response that answer gets her. “I’m not sure how to handle Victoria, if I’m being entirely honest though. She’s never exactly been nice to either of us… but I know she’s having a hard time and there’s just this part of me that doesn’t want to leave her like that. It doesn’t seem like she has any real friends…not that she makes it easy for anybody.”

“I guess it would be nice for you to be able to be there for each other? I don’t think she’s as bad as she always seemed to be but she did make so many mistakes... I’d like to believe she really didn’t know what happened to me the night of the vortex party” Kate says, staring into her cup thoughtfully, eyes glistening. “She didn’t know what Nathan and Mr. Jefferson had done, she swore that to me. But after I tried to...”

Kate’s breathing has hitched there and Max watches the girl struggle to hold it together as her mind jumps back to that rainy day on the rooftop. Kate, through sheer force of will plows on, jaw setting with determination.

“I think Victoria is struggling to forgive herself.”

And well, that hits way too close to home. 

“Max.” Kate starts when Max doesn’t respond, tentatively hiding behind her cup of tea as though the porcelain glass would shield her from whatever she was expecting. Max tries not to tense up too much. “Would you be willing to talk about how _you’ve_ been lately? I was so worried when you ran out of class yesterday...”

Max groans internally. She genuinely isn’t sure what to say to this, because the flashbacks are a given but explaining her time travel to Kate is... complicated. Especially considering said powers had died with Chloe. Without proof, she would just sound like she belonged in a mental institution and alienate the other girl and anyone else in her life if she tried to explain. So she resolves, that at least for now she will tell Kate the bare minimum, as she has with everyone else. 

Half-truths are bitter on her lips.

“In my flashbacks, I end up back in the bathroom a lot more often than I thought I would. I thought I would be better.” Max lies smoothly, idly fiddles with her bangs that are in her eyes now because they are too long and it’s a frustration she feels safe focusing on and Kate is watching her sympathetically and she just doesn’t want to cry right now, okay?“ I could have done something, you know? I didn’t though and I have to live with that, but how? Nobody has the answer to that but they just keep telling me that I need to move forward with my life and I can’t stand it Kate. I just can’t.” 

“I think... that people don’t know what to say Max. The people around you mean well, but no one has been through what you have. No one had to see what you saw... and she mattered to you. We haven’t been in your shoes and no one has the right to tell you to ‘move on’...” Kate murmurs into her cup, eyes full of sorrow and tears that have just begun to fall. “But Max, what could you have done against a gun? Even if you had stepped out from where you were hiding, what could you have done?”

“Something. Anything other than cower there. Kate, can we just not do this?” Max bites out because she can’t even begin to explain everything she could have fucking done and Kate recoils like she has been struck. Max is instantly filled with guilt because Kate doesn’t deserve her anger; really no one does other than Nathan freaking Prescott and Mark Jefferson and whatever cruel being had blessed her with the power to reverse time but not allowed her the power to save her best friend. 

“I’m... sorry… I don’t mean to snap at you. I just haven’t been myself but I’m trying Kate. I’m trying to be a better friend…After Chloe, I just don’t want to fail anyone else. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say because I know I could have changed things. I can’t explain it but I know I could have but instead she’s gone and I still dream about her every night.” Max’s voice breaks at the end of this because she is being more honest than she planned and she closes her eyes against tears she would not let fall in this room that had seen too many tears already. In front of a girl who had cried more than enough and didn’t need to deal with Max’s problems too. 

“I didn’t know Chloe, but I can tell you loved her... do you think she would want you to blame yourself for this? To hurt over this when it was Nathan who pulled the trigger? Even her parents love you Max, I remember at the funeral… They love you and they know it wasn’t your fault.” Kate treads lightly. “As for being a good friend, Max you’ve already done so much for me, even when my own family turned against me in my darkest hour. You were my light at the end of the tunnel and I just wish you were comfortable letting me be there for you, the way you always have been for me. You are my dearest friend and I don’t want to lose you.” Kate rambles, teary eyed and Max wonders if Kate thinks what she thinks she means.

‘I don’t want to lose you.’

To be honest, Max had… considered it. Right after Chloe, she had thought it through, even gone as far to plan it out (she would do it at the lighthouse, it only seemed fitting). It had been a selfish comfort for a while, the possibility of an escape route if this existence after the sacrifice was ever too much. It was too much, every day of it was and still is but if there was an afterlife and Chloe was there, she didn’t think Chloe would ever be able to forgive her. This is a thought Max cannot bear.

“You’ll never lose me Kate.” And she means it.

“I’m glad.” Kate slumps with the relief, the weight of her concerns relieved from her shoulders with Max’s assurance. Wiping her eyes, Kate crawls to Max’s side and shimmies against her so that they are huddled together, Kate’s head resting on Max’s shoulder.

“Thank you, for everything.” Max says, quietly. She genuinely means this, too.

“That’s what friends are for, Max.” Kate laughs and the sound is sweet and kind and reassuring.

Max is done being selfish.

***

Victoria POV:

Victoria’s post run interaction with Max had left her nerves frayed and she is on edge, chewing her nails like some kind of peasant, perched in front of her coffee table as she stares down at her phone. It taunts her, screen shining up at her with notifications but today she had hoped for quiet. The Arcadia Bay Film festival on top of it being the weekend left campus mostly abandoned. Obviously of course except for a certain freckled hipster. And Kate Marsh, but she had an easy enough time avoiding a fellow recluse (comparing herself to Kate Marsh? what the hell).

She hadn’t meant to deal with anyone today, especially not Max.

She didn’t deserve the kindness she had seen in Max’s blue eyes, despite the paleness of her skin, the tautness of her expressions as though she hadn’t interacted much lately. Which sounded about right, considering the girl didn’t so much as pick up her camera anymore, let alone start a conversation nowadays. Gone was the meek, nosey hipster everyone loved (except for Victoria of course, she had made that very well known). Not that anyone could blame her. 

It was surprising that Max had been worried about her and Victoria had been... well, herself (a bitch), and after everything that had happened she doesn’t understand why Max could even stand the sight of her.

But Max had been the one to reach out to Victoria, hadn’t she? 

She can’t possibly fathom why Max would want to be around her. The paranoid part of Victoria's mind bristles, wanting clear cut answers to soothe her anxieties but she’d be damned if she actually _asked_. In Max’s shoes, Victoria would have been more likely to punch herself in the face than spend even a moment together and the idea of Max, Max Caulfield of all people, trapping her to exact some kind of revenge is so ludicrous she almost laughs. 

Growing up a Chase and wealthy had prepared her for people expecting things from her, though. It had been one thing when people wanted gifts and popularity in exchange for friendship but a new door had been opened and now... now she was afraid. She hated herself for that fear, hated Jefferson more for bringing it out of her. 

The fear came in the form of panic attacks and nightmares and her parents had been so quick to nip that in the bud. Over break she had seen countless therapists and psychiatrists while her parents were gallivanting around the world, as far away as they could get from her. It was fine. She didn’t need them. They had never been around much in the first place and apparently hoping things would be different... was a child’s dream.

It took her awhile to notice (like, she’s just now learning to not be self-centered and if people could just give her a break) those similar hints of panic in Max, whenever they were in his classroom. The girl froze like a deer caught in the headlights, ghostly white and ready to bolt at the first hint of a threat. When she showed up less and less, Victoria had begun to worry something else was going on in the other girls mind than her best friend’s death- and christ wasn’t that enough for one person to carry around? 

Victoria wasn’t prepared to help anyone else with their problems and she had been tempted to completely shut Max down, but she hadn’t. Why was that, again?

_Because you owe her. Without her, you’d be a murderer. You’re just like them under that pretty face._ The fear whispered, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end as she grits out through bared teeth- “Fuck off.”

They weren’t friends. Victoria didn’t deserve that- could never possibly deserve that after driving Kate to that rooftop, after Nathan shot the girl’s best friend in that bathroom. Victoria didn’t deserve anything from Max.

_Screaming, someone was screaming, a high pitched keen of despair that sent a shiver through Victoria as they all shuffled out of the photography class to see what was going on. There was shouting- the boom of a man's voice, choked with grief._

_“Drop the gun! Drop the gun now!” David Madsen raged, his own weapon drawn, holding the bathroom door open with his own body._

_Nathan, pleading on his hands and knees._

_A pool of blood, spreading rapidly from a limp form crumpled on the ground and she sees blue hair._

_The scream that never stopped, from inside the bathroom, oh god someone else was in there-_

Breaths coming too quickly, Victoria stumbles from her couch to the desk where a pill bottle sits, waiting with open arms and she struggles with it, against the tremor in her hands and there isn’t enough air in the room but she finally frees one and gulps it down dry. Promptly collapses into the desk chair, gasping. 

Deep breath.

Hold.

Exhale. 

Deep breath.

Hold.

Exhale.

Over and over, again and again until the panic ebbs away, and she buries her face in her arms, crossed on the desk. Reminds herself to just keep breathing, because such a simple task is a grueling battle now.

It’s rare that she wins these fights against those memories and this is somewhat of a victory- one that leaves her clammy and weak and she stands on unsteady legs to grab her phone. Stares at it idly before opening the chat screen. 

**Courtney:** U mad at me? Haven’t seen you since class yesterday? Will u be at the vortex party tonight?

**Victoria:** I’m fine. Not mad at u. Not tonight, have plans

**Taylor** : My mom was asking about you, catch up soon? We love you, girl xo

**Victoria** : Absolutely. Xoxo

With that out of the way, she reads over the texts she had sent Max during one of her particularly rougher moments last night. She wanted to smack herself for those 3am texts. Wouldn’t want Caulfield to think she was worried about her or something...even if she was. Victoria had been drowning at that moment and hadn’t been able to help it. It had been a selfish moment of weakness because Max hasn’t been herself for so long and Victoria finds that she misses the banter, misses their rivalry. Her ‘frenemy’, for lack of a better word and only Taylor knows she refers to Max that way, and only because she trusts Taylor to keep her mouth shut. 

**Victoria** : My room, 7:30? 

She hits the send button before she can back out and sees the ‘…’ of a response being typed instantly.

**Max** : see u then :) 

That gives her another hour to clean up, order food, and pick out a few movies the hipster might like before she gets here. Victoria feels a strange sense of calm(her meds) and a jittery energy( _Max)_ and she dislikes that she is nervous about this. 

If she was dressing up, it was for herself and definitely not for Max.

***

When Max finally arrives, Victoria has just finished paying the delivery man for the large pizza she had ordered. Max stood to the side behind the man, watching Victoria nervously as she waited for the interaction to finish, before stepping in at the wave of the blondes hand.

“Hi, Victoria.” Max says, soft spoken as she takes a seat on the white leather couch. The length of her bangs allows her to hide in her disheveled chestnut hair and she does so almost bashfully. Interesting. Victoria chalks it up to nerves. It’s not like they’ve ever spent any amount of time together that wasn’t at each other’s throats and in public. 

“Hey, I thought you might, ya know be hungry or something.” Victoria casually responds, eyeing the other girl in front of her as she sets everything down on the table in front of the couch. “I wasn’t sure what you like so it’s half veggie, half pepperoni.”

“T-thanks, you didn’t have to do that.” Max is visibly uncomfortable under Victoria’s gaze and fidgets with the zipper of her jacket. It seemed to fit the other girl loosely, compared to the more accurate fit it had been months ago.

You didn’t need to be a close friend of Max’s to realize she hadn’t been eating much of anything lately and Victoria fights the urge to snap at the other girl over it. She’s at least 10 pounds lighter, when she had nothing that was safe for her body to lose in the first place.

She was becoming annoyingly aware of how much she had noticed about the other girl, without realizing she had in fact been paying attention. 

Victoria knows that grief shows itself in many ways, but the bags under the under the girls eyes confirm that the other girl hadn’t been sleeping well lately either. She wonders if that’s why Max wanted to have a ‘sleepover’. 

Max’s eyes do a quick once over of Victoria’s outfit, and Victoria allows herself to preen under the perceptive hipsters eyes. She had chosen skin tight black jeans and a red blouse with shiny gold buttons and a collar, followed by her usual gold bracelets to finish it off. She fondly referred to the look as casually chic. Max surreptitiously glances down at her own outfit- a pink t-shirt with a doe, faded jeans, her usual hoodie and of course her messenger bag and sighs in defeat.

“I didn’t think we were dressing up for this.” She shoots Victoria a mock accusatory glance.

“This is hardly dressed up, Caulfield.” Victoria smirks, watching the girl blush a bit. She almost misses it, but Max’s hands flicker towards her bag, a familiar movement the blonde instantly recognizes. She worries she might be pushing- she hadn’t seen the smaller girl pick up her camera once this semester, but Victoria can’t help herself. “Do it, you know I love the attention.”

Max starts at that, glancing at where her hand is now resting on her messenger bag and she frets with the clasps of the it before pulling the camera out. Victoria watches patiently as the girl painstakingly musters up the courage to take the shot and returns to her pose, regains her slight smirk when it’s finally facing her way.

_Always take the shot_ (Victoria’s skin crawls and she forces the thought away)

Click.

The camera spits out the now developing shot and Victoria lets her smirk broaden when Max hands it to her. She squashes the bit of jealousy that tries to bubble to the surface. It’s a good shot, angled just right to show off the confidence in her stance, the carefully selected outfit and the shadows along her jaw line. She wonders if this is how Max sees her right now and feels her heart skip a beat. 

Flushing, she hands the picture to Max who is strangely silent. The freckled hipster handles it gingerly, as though it might bite without warning and slips it into her messenger bag for safe keeping.

“I don’t want to know what you’re going to do with that, okay Caulfield?” Victoria teases in her nervousness. Max sputters out a denial, eyes impossibly wide in disbelief. 

“Uh huh, sure. Here, why don’t you pick out a movie and I’ll get it set up?” Victoria chuckles and grabs the binder of dvds she had picked out from her desk and hands it to Max who takes it gratefully, flipping the pages with a curiosity that makes Victoria smirk all over again. She had been smiling an uncharacteristic amount in the brief amount of time that had gone by. Should she be concerned? Probably. 

Max had always been nosey, in a weirdly endearing way. It was like she wanted to delve into every nook and cranny of people's lives to uncover hidden facets of their personalities. The girl had never been gifted with any social grace, so she took a sneakier, passive route to discover things about those around her. Victoria herself had never had much success at understanding others despite her popularity, not that she often tried. Yes, she observed and took note, but she never had much of an interest in why people were the way they were. 

Victoria wonders what Max would discover about her if she gave the girl free reign, but decides she doesn’t want an answer to that. 

“Oh, I’ve heard this is good?” Max slips the disc out and hands it to Victoria, who arches a brow at the selection. Not a bad choice, though of course she wouldn’t keep anything distasteful in her collection.

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, huh?” Victoria spins on her heels, more eager for this movie night than she would have thought. She had been worried this might have been more of a ... depression party if anything and is pleasantly surprised thus far. She flicks the lights out and pops the disc into the machine before grabbing a thick velvety blanket to share. “Every art students has to see this at least once, it’s like in the official art students rule book or whatever.”

Max giggles at that and moves over to let Victoria occupy the space beside her. Victoria takes a slice of pizza from the box, motioning for Max to do the same.

“Ah, I’m not actually hungry…” Max says, ducking her head down again. Those freaking bangs, ugh. Such a practiced move and clearly Max was used to declining food. 

“Caulfield, you need to eat. I went out of my way to order food for the two of us and I’d rather it not go to waste.” Victoria frowns, playing the guilt card shamelessly. 

“I didn’t really take you as a mother hen type, Vic.” Max grumbles, not taking Victoria’s bait willingly. “I can take care of myself, don’t worry. I’ll have something to eat later.”

“You’re a terrible liar and you obviously haven’t been taking care of yourself. You’re scrawnier than ever before and I didn’t even think it was possible, Lamefield.” Victoria retorts, feeling the hot wave of anger rising to the surface. Without thinking she reaches a hand up to Max’s hair which has grown out considerably and twirls a soft tress between her fingers. Victoria sighs, not bothering to hide her frustration. She does, however, try to soften her voice. “And this? You haven’t gotten a haircut in how long?”

Unintentionally, Victoria finds herself cupping the other girls cheek and is more surprised when Max closes her eyes, leaning into Victoria’s palm and lets out an exasperated laugh that is thin and layered with exhaustion. It speaks volumes, where Max says nothing at all.

“You’re not okay.” Victoria breathes out against Max’s face and she feels the freckled girl shudder, her shoulders hunching forward. “And that’s okay. I just need you to take care of yourself, Caulfield. I know your hipster friends are worried about you too. It’s okay to need help. You should let them.” Victoria finishes and she sits back so that there is a distance between them again. She tries not to think about the cold that sets itself into her bones now that she is no longer basking in the body heat of the other girl.

“Ever think of taking your own advice, Victoria?”

Their eyes lock. Studying one another. Assessing the situation. 

Victoria looks away first.

“I’m not the best at following my own advice, what can I say?”

“Sounds about right.” Max nods, wrapping her arms around herself, visibly trying to contain whatever it was she was feeling. Victoria looks away to grant the other girl at least the semblance of privacy, instead focusing on grabbing the blanket to throw it across both of their laps and then busies herself with setting subtitles for the movie. After only a few minutes, Max glances back at Victoria with a small, hesitant smile. She pointedly takes a slice of pizza from the box and nibbles at it, watching Victoria watch her.

Victoria can’t help but smile back and relaxes into the couch as the movie starts.

***

Max’s POV:

Max’s heart is pounding under her ribcage by the end of the movie. In the darkness she is shoulder to shoulder with Victoria and instead of focusing on the movie, she replays their interaction again. The way she had felt at the proximity between them with Victoria’s hand on her cheek, the softness of her voice, the warmth radiating from her body and Max has been cold for so long now- she had accepted it readily. 

Max is confused, to say the least.

The blonde had been... sweet. Caring. She had obviously been watching Max to know that she wasn’t doing well. Who was this woman and what has she done with the real Victoria Chase?

Said Victoria Chase clone is watching the end of the movie thoughtfully, curled under the blanket next to Max, barely an inch between them. 

The credits rolled and Victoria catches her staring and quirks a brow, a slight sneer on her lips but just as suddenly the blonde catches herself, the startled jump between expressions almost comical. As though she forgot they were here _together_.

“So, what did you think?” The blonde asks, instead of whatever insult had sprung to mind first. Max was impressed and even more confused.

“It was... a little, depressing, but I liked it.” Max Caulfield, the ever fluent movie critic. She had always been better with photography but she actually had enjoyed the movie. “Do you think you would let your memories of someone be wiped away, if it was possible?”

“Absolutely.” There is no hesitation in that tone.

“Yeah, I guess there are lot things I’d want to forget...” Max acknowledges, trying to keep the door shut to those memories lest they feel the need to make themselves known. 

She had already almost come undone taking the blondes picture, Jefferson’s voice telling her to ‘ _Always take the shot’. The click of the camera, the brightly lit room, wrists bound-_ **enough**. Just... stop, okay?

It had been a long time since she had bothered with her camera, but the blonde had been so striking and the urge had been overpowering. Right before the click of the camera though, there had been a flicker of…something in Victoria’s eyes. What had she been afraid of?

“What were you thinking, right before I took your picture?” Max asks suddenly.

Victoria blanches, crossing her arms. “You noticed? I was thinking ‘always take the shot’. He always used to say that.”

“Yeah... me too.” Max murmurs, rubbing her suddenly aching eyes. “If I had to forget anyone... I think it’d be him.”

Victoria nods her agreement, not looking at Max. ‘Great job, Max. I’m sure that’s exactly what she wanted to be reminded of tonight’, she scolds herself.

They sit stiffly side by side, Max struck by the overwhelming desire to just _tell her._ The desire to finally apologize to Victoria for failing her even though it wasn’t _this_ Victoria that had died. She doesn’t know how to be around the blonde like this, with memories that never happened and unable to apologize for not keeping her promise. Sometimes she thinks if she was going to tell anyone, than why not Victoria of all people? Worst case scenario, she’d tell everyone Max was crazy and they probably all already suspected that. Better yet, they wouldn’t take her seriously in the first place, considering all the rumors the blonde had started out of boredom in the past.

And anyway… she had never really had Victoria, to lose her in the first place.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” Max finally pulls herself away from her thoughts to the blonde who was still obviously lost in her own.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine. You don’t owe me, of all people, an apology.” Victoria mutters, still not looking at her and Max’s thoughts jump back to what Kate had said. ‘I think Victoria is struggling to forgive herself.’

They could start a support group. Something about self-love and whatever other bullshit. Victoria would love that. Max fights to contain her snicker, instead clearing her throat.

“Speaking of apologies... do you think you’ll apologize to Kate in person anytime soon?” Max prods.

“Stop it. Were you planning on bringing all of this up tonight?” Victoria snaps, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t want to talk about any of it right now, okay?”

“Okay... sorry.” Max guiltily responds, because she hadn’t actually planned on poking the lioness who had been making an effort to play nice so far. Not that she wouldn’t bring it up again, but baby steps, right?

“It’s fine, I’m just… tired.” Victoria stretches with a groan, blouse riding up enough to reveal the smooth skin of her flat stomach and it’s Max’s turn to look away. “Think you’re ready for bed?”

“Definitely.” Max replies standing and turning away quickly as the blonde begins to undress and she does the same. She had packed a loose tshirt and shorts to sleep in and was getting ready to make herself comfortable on the couch when Victoria stopped her.

“You can share the bed? It’s cold in here.” Victoria questions, cheeks tinting pink and after a moment of hesitation Max obliges when Victoria lifts the comforter for her to crawl in first. It actually was chilly in the blondes room. Really.

She’s too tired to care anyway and she had shared a bed with Chloe often enough it didn’t feel as weird as it should have. All she wants is warmth and Victoria Chase is a freaking space heater. When Victoria follows her in, they adjust around each other in the snug fitting bed until Max is facing the wall, Victoria at her back.

“Don’t tell anyone, Caulfield. I don’t want people thinking we’re friends or anything.” Victoria chuckles.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Wouldn’t want to ruin my reputation, you know.” Max grins into the dark.

“...whatever.”

Max had almost just fallen asleep when she hears the tiniest voice in the dark.

“I _am_ sorry, Max. I’m so sorry for what I did and... for what I didn’t do.”

Max’s breath catches in her throat, eyes fluttering open at the words. She waits and when she is sure the blonde is done, she reaches behind her and grabs Victoria’s arm. Wraps it around her own waist.

“I know.” Max whispers back, feeling Victoria gripping her hand with long, cool fingers. “I forgive you, Victoria.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Honey and Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You laugh like an angel with comatose love in your eyes, like a sleeping city
> 
> You put me to rest in your gravestone chest, tell me I've never looked so pretty’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title/lyrics from the song 'Honey and Milk' by Flowerface [Link text](https://youtu.be/HuDGvkpBmTQ)

Victoria’s POV (Sunday): 

Consciousness trickles to her molasses slow- dribbling from it’s jar sticky and sweet in the warmth of the morning sun. There’s someone curled into her arms, their face pressed into her neck and the rhythmic breathing that passes their lips is tickling her neck and she squirms at the sensation. Victoria’s eyes snap open.

“G’mornin.” Max slurs out sleepily, blue eyes shyly peering up at her past long dark lashes.

Had Max’s eyes always been that color? The blue of the sky as it transitions to dusk? And if they had, how had she not ever really noticed that before? Staring down at the other girl, Victoria can’t help but think that blue has always been her favorite color, but right now, specifically, if asked she would have to say it’s _dusk_ blue.

Max closes her eyes again, contently dozing off and unaware of Victoria’s weird obsessive line of thought, for which she is grateful. If Max Caulfield could read minds.. Well, that would be the end of Victoria Chase.

Somewhere throughout the night, their position had changed and Victoria uncomfortably remembers that she had been having a rather vivid nightmare( _Mr. Jefferson’s hand around her throat, smiling down at her gently as he attempted to wring the last breath from her lungs, “Is this what you wanted?”)_. Max had been the reason she had awoken, freed from the terror and the brunette had been panicked when she shook Victoria awake. Max had tangled them up more thoroughly after that, whispering reassurances(words she cannot remember now, but she had felt so _safe)_ to the barely conscious blonde until they had both fallen back to sleep. Victoria felt a flush of warmth, alongside the discomfort of being so vulnerable in front of someone she barely knew. Someone who had once been the enemy to her aspirations.

She finds herself bristling instinctively at their closeness now, knowing what Max had seen last night- Victoria, unhinged and no longer composed, caving into the nightmares that she tried so hard to bottle up tightly.

Sensing whatever inner turmoil Victoria was experiencing, Max shifts in their embrace to squint up at her again and she’s struck by the fact that Max is actually kind of cute like this- freckled cheeks lined with sleep marks, her hair ruffled beyond return, obviously fighting sleep with heavily lidded eyes(those eyes again, why is this happening?) that were putting up an impressive battle. Max yawns widely, stretching out where she is not tangled into Victoria.

  
  


“Good morning.” Victoria responds finally, flustered and suddenly unsure of herself and her own traitorous thoughts. But how could she untangle herself and make her escape? This was her own damn bedroom, where would she even go? The desire to escape is made stronger by the fact that she actually had _no_ desire to ever leave this bed again. For fucks sake. “Don’t you have things to do, Lamefield? What time even is it?”

When in doubt, shut it down.

“Mm, it’s Sunday Victoria.” Max rolls her eyes and disentangles herself with a huff to Victoria’s relief, crawling the length of the bed (“Hey, stop stepping on me” “oh shush”) until she can stretch to grab her phone from the couch. “It’s like 10am. In a rush to get rid of me now?”

“You have morning breath.” Victoria scoffs back, leaving the warmth of the bed herself. That had been her first night's good sleep in a while, she grudgingly admits to herself. She stretches languidly, basking in the morning light streaming through the blinds, aware(she tries not to be) of Max’s lingering gaze. “And I’m starving, I’d like to get some coffee and breakfast at some point.”  
  


Something flits across Max’s face, nibbling on her lower lip thoughtfully.

“Oh, well… would you want to get breakfast, ya know. Together?” Max stammers the question out, leaving the bed to gather her belongings together while waiting for Victoria’s answer. She rambles when Victoria’s only response is to stare because, what? Really? “The Two Whales diner has the best pancakes in town. And bacon. Wowsers, I actually haven’t felt this hungry since I don’t even know when.” Max says, bouncing on her heels with nervous energy where she is crouched shoving her things into her bag. 

Her eyes are sparkling when she looks at Victoria. Fuck, had they both really been so lonely that they _wanted_ to keep this going? 

And how exactly was she supposed to say no to that when Max is casting hopeful glances underneath those god forsaken bangs while Victoria wages war with her conflicting thoughts? A dozen excuses shoot through her mind at lightning speed- 

“Yeah, sure.” 

What the _shit_?

“I had hoped you’d have a nicer place in mind, but I suppose this deadbeat town doesn’t have much to offer.” Victoria adds, to make it clear that she is not actually all that eager for this but she did need to eat and that was that. 

Max shrugs, annoyance knitting her brow as she stands, shoves her hands into the pockets of the hoodie she had pulled on over her pajamas.

“I actually really like it there. Chloe’s mom works there, we used to go all the time as kids.” 

Double shit. Had she known that? 

“...Okay, sorry. When do you want to go? I’d like to shower and be a bit more presentable than this.” Victoria motions down to her own pajamas.

“Hm, lets meet up in like an hour? I need to call my mom, she’s been blowing up my phone all week. Sound good?”

“Perfect.” Victoria nods, watching as Max slings her bag over her shoulder. She flashes a shy grin back at the blonde and waves goodbye, leaving Victoria to stand alone in her bedroom, staring at the door.

“What… even am I doing?” She mutters, exasperated with herself and her plans to spend even more time with the hipster today. She had thought last night would have been a one time thing, hadn’t been expecting Max to want to spend more time with her. Especially after she had snapped at her, when the other girl had tried to bring up… things she wasn’t really ready to deal with. And then her nightmares, the other girl needing to comfort her… 

Victoria’s pride had taken a hit.

Defeatedly, she allows that there’s nothing she can do about any of it now. Instead, she grabs her phone to text Taylor who would be upset being left out of the loop and Victoria already hasn’t been the best of friends lately.

**Victoria:** I spent the night with Caulfield last night. Think I’m losing my mind tbh.

‘…’

**Taylor:** WHAT?! 

**Taylor:** WAIT WHAT WERE YOU TWO EVEN DOING?!!!

**Victoria** : Relax, you’re going to give me a headache and you’re not even here. She wanted to hang out so we watched a movie… and she spent the night.

**Taylor:** Ohhh… so like actually ‘sleeping’? Or like ;)? I mean she is cute, just didn't think she’d be your type Vic.

Victoria sputters at this, almost dropping her phone in disdain. She knows Taylor is just teasing, but still.

**Victoria:** Absolutely NOT my type. Not into hipsters.

**Taylor:** Oh, well what are you up to this morning? Want to come over?

**Victoria:** …getting breakfast with Max actually.

Victoria shuts her phone off promptly, but not before it buzzes rapidly with the incoming call. This wasn’t looking good for her. Thank fuck Taylor would keep this to herself. Courtney on the other hand… well, the girls aspirations couldn't just be ‘Victoria’s lapdog’ and she suspected Courtney might take an opportunity to rise to the top ranks if offered.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? 

On that note… what would she even consider Max? Too soon to say friends(did she even want that?) but, wasn’t this kind of… friendshipy? Aside from the whole waking up together thing- that was definitely weird, right? But Victoria had pushed first, hadn’t she? With those 3am texts and finding Caulfield after class to return her camera instead of just giving it to Kate who would have gladly returned it for her. Suggesting they share the bed. So what exactly did she want out of this? 

Victoria found that she hadn’t the slightest clue. It’s not like she had _planned_ any of it.

The twin sized bed hadn’t left a lot of room for negotiating space but it had felt strangely like they belonged that way. She had been tired and vulnerable, not quite herself and Victoria had always been better with actions, rather than words- having parents who didn’t value communication could have that effect. Still, a ghost of the apology she actually owed Max had slipped past her lips in that loaded moment, just the two of them together for the first time. 

And somehow...Max had forgiven her.

Victoria did not deserve that forgiveness- she had never even apologized to Kate and she had almost _killed_ the girl. ‘A Chase never apologizes’ her mother's voice scolds in the back of her mind and Victoria stamps it down just as quickly as it arises. They could lecture her when they actually proved they gave a damn.

Max wanted her to reach out to Kate. Victoria owed it to them both, really, but fuck did her mind try to slam the breaks on that anytime she tried. She had the perfect opportunity, it would have been almost effortless the day classes started when Kate had found her with a sense of purpose in the way her spine stood rigid, hands clenched at her sides.

“ _Did you know what they were going to do to me?” Kate demands softly from behind and Victoria is immediately taken aback, slams her locker shut. Whips around to face the other girl, feeling strangely cornered in the open hallway._

_“Of course not.” Victoria snaps defensively, because no matter how much of a bitch she had been, she wasn’t a monster. Even if the video had linked her to everything that had happened- she hadn’t known,_ **_of course_ ** _she hadn’t_ **_fucking_ ** _known and she chokes out a pained noise and squeezes her eyes shut to hold it all back. It takes all of three seconds and when she opens her eyes Kate is staring down at her dorky clogs, expression just as pained. “I promise Kate, I swear it. I never would have shot the video if I had known. Wouldn’t have done any of it. I would take it all back, if I could.”_

_“Okay.” Kate breathes out quietly as the bell rings and she turns on her heels to all but sprint away and Victoria watches her go._

_The stinging sensation in her palms brings her back to awareness. Half moon crescents of blood where her freshly done, first day of school manicure had broken the skin._

Victoria wasn’t exactly avoiding the girl after that, but she actively made sure they were never alone again, which wasn’t an issue because she was almost always accompanied by a Vortex Club member and Kate generally steered clear of the socialites. Victoria had been waiting to figure out her apology but this is a lame excuse and she knows it. Even Taylor and Courtney had beaten her to it.

Deep down, Victoria is a coward. She is not at _all_ prepared for it and maybe that’s the whole point- she would never be ready to face the consequences of her own actions.

Sighing to herself, she begins the arduous task of finding an outfit that would maintain her sense of style, but wouldn’t leave her too overdressed in a diner, of all places. Once that was sorted, she grabs her shower supplies, more than ready to ease the tension in her shoulders that had built up with a hot shower. 

And then, in answer to her previous thoughts, the universe thrusts another opportunity into her lap.

  
  


As soon as she has pushed the door open to the shower room, she finds herself backpedaling as she comes face to face with Kate Marsh, who has clearly just finished showering. The girl is standing in front of the mirror in a white shirt that clings to her damp skin, combing through her hair, tilts her head slightly and then- Kate’s eyes widen when she catches Victoria openly staring and she turns to acknowledge her, a rabbit that has spotted a predator approaching.

“H-hi, Victoria.” Kate smiles timidly setting her brush down on the bathroom counter. 

“Marsh.” Victoria nods, shifting from foot to foot. She could just step into a stall… stop this now… but… 

“How are you?”

“Would you like to get breakfast?”

They both blurt out in unison and then stare at each other dumbfounded.

“What?” Kate squeaks out.

“Damn it, Marsh.” Victoria snarls because she doesn’t want to repeat the invitation and fuck the other girl actually _flinches_. Had there really been a time when she would have relished that reaction? Now she just feels dirty.“I’m sorry, I just- Breakfast. Max and I are going to get breakfast. Do you want to go?”

“You and Max?” Understanding creeps into Kate's eyes and a smile begins to quirks at the corner of her lips, her stance relaxing. Quick to forgive, a good little Christian(stop that, are you trying to be nice or not). “I would love to.”

“Oh. Okay, cool. I’ll send Caulfield over when it’s time to go. You don’t have a car, right?” Victoria asks and Kate shakes her head at that. “You can ride with us then.”

“That sounds lovely.” The smile has now consumed half of Kate's face and Victoria shuffles as quickly into her stall as she can without slipping on the slick floors. She can feel Kate’s eyes on her every step of the way.

What was she getting herself into today? Damn it all.

***

Max’s POV: 

“Mom, I swear I’m fine.” Max sighs for the hundredth time in the span of 20 minutes. Her parents had wanted her to stay home in Seattle after Chloe’s funeral but Max had been unrelenting in her desire to stay. Leaving almost felt like she would be abandoning Chloe all over again, not that she could tell them that, and had settled instead for at least wanting to graduate. At home they were too much and she suffocated under their need for her to be _fixed_ \- but no amount of their love could fix the part of her that was broken. And she couldn’t tell them that, either.

They needed her to be better.

_“You’re not okay… and that’s okay.” Victoria murmurs, breath warming Max’s cheek and they are so close and her heart is hammering-_

Maybe Victoria really did understand in her own way… not being okay, but wanting to be so desperately. Cutting the world off behind the wall she had constructed- not to keep everyone out, not really, anyway. It was to keep it all in, locked up safe inside where the truth could hurt no one except for Max herself. It was almost convenient that Victoria shared some of the same demons as her and it might have even been peaceful being around the blonde if she didn’t have those memories( ~~ _I don’t want to die_~~ ), that squirming feeling in her stomach when they came back to her. 

_‘Always take the shot.’_ Max shudders, skin prickling. 

“Max, are you even listening to me?” Her mother scolds and Max snaps back to the call, away from _his_ voice and plops down onto her bed.

“Yeah, mom.” Max says, exhausted and tempted to curl up next to Captain and just block it all out. “I need to get ready to get breakfast with some friends. Can we talk later?”

A long pause.

“Honey, that’s- that’s great, I’m sure your father will be happy to- I mean, yes, please get ready for your day- I love you. Your father and I both. You know that?” Her mother stumbles over the relief, words rushing out at the news. 

“I know, mom. I love you too.” 

With the phone call over, Max dresses quickly in dark jeans and the red flannel she had taken from Chloe’s closet after the funeral. They had been worn too many times to smell like anything other than Max at this point, but it’s a familiar feeling being in them. A security blanket.

Joyce had been unbearably kind to let her wander through Chloe’s room, even after all of these years, had held Max tightly when she was done and thanked her for being there(five years too late but who was counting? Oh right, Max was). Max had left nauseated, wondering if Joyce would feel the same way if she knew the truth.

Still, Max owed this one thing, amongst many to Chloe who would never get to see her mother again. So Max still at least tried to check in on Joyce, to let the woman know she wasn’t alone- and how terribly lonely it must be, to lose her husband and then her daughter and losing Chloe was already too much for Max and she just can’t imagine this feeling being any worse. In the end, nothing was ever fair for the Price family. She rubs her hands roughly over her face, wiping away the exhaustion and the peculiar burning in her eyes. No time for tears- Victoria would never let her live it down if she bailed.

She had been surprised when Victoria had even agreed to get breakfast with her, after the way the blonde had obviously been trying to close off after she had woken up and found themselves in bed together. It had been nice, actually, sharing a bed with Victoria Chase- Max hadn’t expected her to be a cuddler either, but being wrapped in the blondes arms had been something she didn’t know she needed.

She wondered if Victoria often had nightmares, like the one that had scared the life out of Max last night.

Max had been startled awake immediately when she realized what was happening, hearing the other girl whimpering a quiet ‘no’ and her mind, not quite grasping reality had flashed back to- _the blonde on the floor in a too white room and he was coming at any moment to take her away_ and she had panicked with sweaty palms gripping Victoria fiercely.

_Max rolls over under the sheet, and pulls the blonde against her- she doesn’t protest, instead curling into Max, clinging to her with trembling hands._

_"You’re okay, you’re okay. I won't let him hurt you.” She whispers past the panic in her throat, over and over until the blonde placed a hand over her mouth, green eyes soft and far away, half lidded with sleep._

_“I know you won't.” Victoria slurred, already fading back into sleep, eyes sliding shut._

Max had laid awake, listening to the other girl breathing for a long time after that, the irrational fear that the next breath might be the blondes last keeping her from sleep for hours after. Waking up next to Victoria had been a wave of crushing relief, legs tangled together, face pressed into the blondes shoulder. Feeling her stir and then tense.

The strange look in her eyes when she had stared down at Max who had been awestruck at how someone could look like _that_ right after waking up. Self conscious, knowing she was definitely a raggedy mess in comparison.

How strange it felt, to feel so close to the other girl after a single night together and Max just didn’t want it to end yet. This feeling, this relief- how long had it been since she could breathe without the weight of everything constricting her lungs? 

( ~~Only Chloe had ever made her feel that way~~.)

She had a feeling Victoria might feel the same- that just maybe, she could breathe a little easier with Max there, too.

Max really, really hopes so. Before she leaves, she pins the shot of Victoria from last night to her wall.

***

When Max is finally ready, she finds Victoria’s door slightly ajar and pushes it open to find the blonde pacing the room.

“It’s about time.” Victoria stalls in her relentless effort to wear down the carpet in her dorm. The blonde wore a sheer pink button up with a black collar, black skirt and tights, with glossy black oxfords. Her make up was done, hair styled just so, even for what was a simple breakfast outing- Victoria Chase was always overcompensating for something, but Max had to admit the blonde is gorgeous(never to her face of course, she already has an ego the size of the moon).

“I’m actually kind of early?” Max laughs when Victoria sticks her tongue out. “Are you ready or…?”

At that, Victoria crosses her arms. Squares her shoulders. Oh Dog, that couldn’t be good. Max racks her brain, trying to recall any particular moment from last night or this morning that would set the blonde off but comes up empty. She must be upset about something though, tapping her foot impatiently and Max has an apology on her lips when Victoria blurts out-

“Will you tell Kate we’re ready to go?”  
  


...what?

The blonde turns away, now mindlessly arranging the objects on her desk, ignoring Max who gapes in response.

“K-kate?” Max manages, not in the least expecting that and it’s not like Victoria is offering up any more information. What the hell. “Why do-”

Victoria whips around, interrupting Max in a flash of irritation, throwing her hands up dramatically in the air. “Because I invited her to breakfast. Yes, Kate Marsh. Stop staring at me and go get here before I change my freaking mind Caulfield!”

And she doesn’t have to ask Max a third time because she darts away in a flash, hoping Kate would be of some help with the sudden storm(har, har) that is Victoria Chase.

Kate opens the door at Max’s rapid knocking, alarmed. “Max? Is everything okay?”

“Kate why is Victoria being so weird?” Max asks lowly, peeking at Victoria’s door meaningfully. She didn’t want to set the other girl off again.

“Is she? I mean, I suppose she was a bit flustered when she invited me to breakfast with the two of you?” Kate offers quizzically, cocking her head to the side. 

“Oh wow, so she _did_ invite you!” 

“Well, yes. I took it that you two must have had a good time together to be going out today and then she invited me and it seemed a bit too good to be true….” Kate nods. Wrings her delicate fingers as her eyes dart down. “Would you rather I not be there?”

“What? No, no! I would love for you to go with us! I just-” Max stumbles over her words, flushing because that’s _definitely_ not what she meant. “She just kind of freaked out on me when I didn’t get that she invited you and I wasn’t sure why she was being, ya know, Victoria freaking Chase, but I mean I guess I’m kind of answering my own question.”

“Oh, maybe she’s… embarrassed, do you think?”

What would she even have to be embarrassed _about_? Kate is Max’s friend, why would she even care? 

“Ugh, maybe? I just don’t get why she has to be so weird about it.” Max groans, rubbing the back of her neck. It’s too early to try and unravel why Victoria is the way she is.

And as if on queue, Victoria’s head pops out from her room, scowl set in place as she eyes the two of them suspiciously. “What’s taking the two of you so long? I can hear you both whispering out here.”

“Nothing!” “We’re ready” They both respond too quickly.

Victoria’s disbelieving glare wavers and falls away as she deflates and Max immediately feels just a bit guilty. They had been openly talking about her just a few feet from her door, afterall... The blonde heads for the exit, muttering over her shoulder, “Whatever. Let's just go already.”

They rush after Victoria who doesn’t bother to check if they’re following.

***

The car ride had been awkward, to say the least and Max had been relieved to escape the suffocating uneasiness between the three of them when her attempts to break the ice had failed(“airplane food, amiright?” “uh, sure Max.”) and Victoria pointedly ignored. As if she was preparing herself for something particularly dreadful, and gosh Victoria if you really didn’t want to go…

The Two Whales is steady for a Sunday morning and the three of them shuffle into the last free booth, Victoria on Max’s side closest to the window, Kate sitting directly across from them, casting apprehensive glances at the blonde. Max couldn’t blame her for being nervous- Victoria stressed her out too.

“I’m surprised they haven’t shut this place down.” Victoria says, clearly dismayed as she runs a finger through a thick layer of dust on the windowsill. She grimaces, wiping her fingers on a napkin and Max finds she’s mostly amused by Victoria’s pouting now.

She was probably used to much nicer places, but had relented almost without a fight and that was very un-Victoria like. Then there was the matter of inviting Kate- what exactly was she planning? If it had been a few months ago, it might have been some kind of elaborate prank but now… well, Max isn’t entirely sure who Victoria is now, she had realized last night(she’s still considering the possibility that this is some kind of doppelganger). 

  
  


“Oh hush.” Kate shyly speaks up, testing the waters. “We like it here!”

“Yeah, Vic.” Max elbows the blonde who huffs, rolls her eyes, but there is the tiniest hint of a restrained smile there, beneath the mask of indifference. Max grins and notices Kate watching them curiously, a silent question clear in the arch of her brow. Max isn’t sure what to say with the blonde right there, but luckily she is saved by Joyce’s approach.

“Well, I suppose I’m glad to hear that little Ms. Marsh- and my my, if it isn’t Max Caulfield.” Joyce drawls out kindly down at them both, raising a pot of sinfully delicious liquid that Max is desperate for as Joyce fills her cup(mmm, so good), Kate of course declines(“no thank you Mrs. Price”) and Joyce pauses as she fills Victoria’s mug. “You’re a friend of that Prescott boy, aren’t you..?”

“Ah… used to be, ma’am.” Victoria fidgets, her tone carefully flat. Max chokes on her coffee, frozen between the two of them. Joyce’s eyes have gone glassy and Victoria is staring into the blackness of her own steaming cup, trying to shrink away into the booth where she is trapped between Max and the window. For one mutinous moment, she thinks Victoria might try to clamber her way out through it, when Kate, beautiful, sweet Kate, steps in when Max proves to be utterly useless.

“M-mrs. Price, a-are there any specials today?” Kate stammers out, interrupting the moment at the cost of her own comfort as all eyes were cast in her direction. 

“Oh, ah, no sweetie. Always the same around the Two Whales. Excuse me, I didn’t mean to be rude, my goodness. What can I get you gals?” Joyce easily slips back into the flow of service, casting one last glance at Victoria before pulling out her notepad.

With orders taken, Joyce briskly turns back to the kitchen, and Victoria exhales forcefully only after she is out of their line of sight.

“That was great. This is great.” Victoria sighs to herself, staring out the window and jumps when Max places a hand over one of hers, fisted in her lap. She jerks her head to face Max and then to Kate who is watching them with sudden interest. 

“Don’t worry, Victoria.” Max squeezes her unmoving fist lightly, just wanting the other girl to relax. She hadn’t been expecting Joyce to focus in on Victoria, but her frown had been remorseful, if anything. A memory that prodded at a wound that was still raw. “Joyce isn’t- she’s not the type of person to be angry with you over something you weren’t even involved in. You don’t have to worry about her, she’s just having a… rough time lately.”

“Yeah, my best friend killing her daughter sure would have that effect on her, don’t you think?” Victoria sneers, teeth bared, but her eyes are glistening. She pulls her hand out of Max’s and Max tries not to snap back at the callousness of Victoria’s words. “I’m an adult, Caulfield. I can take responsibility for my own actions and if I were her- I would hate me, too. ”

“Joyce doesn’t hate you.” Kate declares awkwardly, struggling to meet Victoria’s cool gaze.

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t, Kate. I don’t even know why I bothered to come here.” Another sigh, the blonde buries her face in her palms.

Max’s tongue of course has chosen now to feel foreign in her mouth, and she opens it, shuts it, unsure of what to say. She stares helplessly between the two, Kate watching the blonde with an unreadable expression on her face. Lips turned down, just a bit, before she finally speaks.

“Victoria… I don’t hate you, either.” 

Victoria slowly lowers her hands from her face, mascara smudged around her disbelieving eyes. She recovers quickly, voice faltering when she speaks.“Kate… I…look- there’s another reason I invited you here. I wanted to… apologize. For real this time. For everything I put you through and for what happened to you. I tried to ruin your life and I am just… so fucking sorry for what I did. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

Kate closes her eyes at Victoria’s words, takes a deep breath as though to steady herself.

When they open again, they are clear, the clouds parting to reveal clear blue skies. 

“After everything you did, I really did want to hate you.” Kate starts lightly, eyes never wavering from Victoria’s. “But, I believe in second chances. You made your mistakes and you’re trying to repent for what you did. You’re learning from it and… that is more than I ever expected of you.”

Max is once again reminded of just how lucky she is to have Kate Marsh in her life- a literal angel, sitting directly across from her. 

“I forgive you. I honestly think I forgave you a long time ago, but it does mean a lot to me to hear you say it.” 

This is the blow, the peace offering that has Victoria collapsing in on herself then and Max can’t help but reach out to grip the blondes hand again- who takes it as she attempts to contain the rush of emotions that are surging through her, tears welling in her eyes. Kate reaches out and tentatively grabs Victoria’s other hand from where it rests on the table. Acknowledges that she’s here, that she meant what she said. 

“We’re a happy little family now, aren’t we?” Max teases then, interrupting the moment because her heart feels strangely light and maybe the coffee is taking effect because she feels pretty freaking good right now. 

“Oh shut up.” Victoria chokes out weakly, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue Kate hands her, freeing herself from them both.

“Mm, no, I demand a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog, stat.” Max dodges Victoria’s effort to elbow her into silence, feigning a wounded look. She turns to Kate, deadpans. “Honey, I’m afraid mommy and daddy have hit a rough patch.”

“SHUT UP, CAULFIELD.” 

Kate’s eyes are dancing brightly and the small smile that has graced her lips doesn’t disappear until long after they’ve left the diner. This was more than she could have ever hoped for and even if Max would have liked some warning about Victoria’s plans, she found that she didn’t mind (literally) holding her hand through it.

When Joyce arrives with their food, Max catches her concerned look at the blonde and she shakes her head in response. They were going to be okay. 

“Are you both just going to keep staring at me? Or can we eat?” Victoria grumbles, lifting her fork and knife to cut into her pancakes. Her cheeks are tinted pink, even as she shoves a bite into her mouth.

“Hm… I didn’t know Victoria was capable of eating carbs- isn’t that against the Vortex rules?” Kate playfully waves her free hand towards Victoria’s stack, nibbling on a piece of bacon as the blonde gawks at her.

“Oh boy, we might have to turn her in.” Max shakes her head disappointedly, feigning reaching for her phone to Victoria’s equally feigned dismay.

“I hate you both, you know that, right?” But she’s smiling despite herself.

Max smirks, takes a bite of her breakfast and groans(“ugh, get a room Caulfield”) because wowsers. Fluffy pancakes and sticky syrup heralding in a change for the better- who would have thought?

***

Kate's POV: 

Kate watches the two of them interacting and can’t help the twinge of jealousy in her stomach- she silently admonishes herself for the feeling.

Whatever was happening between the two girls… she couldn’t help but worry about the divide between the three of them, the sweet brunette obviously finding so much comfort in the blondes' presence. The way Victoria would scoff and how it brings an easy smile to Max’s lips, as though she had finally been able to escape the darkness that had consumed her, even if just for this moment- a darkness Kate could never hope to penetrate, though she had tried.

Of all people to manage it, Victoria was the last person Kate would have expected and somehow, in return, Max had broken through that impenetrable shell of Victoria’s to reveal that she hurt, just like the rest of them. That she was capable of remorse. The invitation, the apology- Max had done the impossible.

Kate isn’t entirely sure what her... _feelings_ for Max are, but she supposes it was something of a crush that had developed after they had started meeting for their tea dates. They had both been quiet loners, in their own ways- Kate’s abstinence group making her a social outcast even before the Vortex party and Max’s general social anxiety leaving her ill at ease with others. They had found a safe haven in those tea dates and Kate never felt judged by Max who didn’t share her beliefs, but never belittled them as most others did.

Somewhere down the line, that feeling in her chest had grown when Max had made so many efforts to reach out and care for her after the Vortex party, had been the one there on the roof, after everyone else had forsaken her… and then Max had disappeared off the face of the earth after the funeral and when she came back there was a wall so high, built entirely of smooth marble and no footholds in sight for Kate to attempt to scale. 

So she’d watched from afar, a silent witness to the slow decline of Max’s wellbeing and silently cursed herself for how little she could do. Did her best to remind Max to eat, to keep an eye on her with the help of Dana and the others(Taylor, surprisingly- _‘she checked in on me after my mom got sick, I’m not a total bitch okay?’)_

And together they did the bare minimum that Max would allow because she hated when they lingered over her shoulder, ignored texts when she was overwhelmed, stayed in her room for days when she couldn’t muster the energy to leave her bed.

Dana(who proved to be a better friend than Kate had ever imagined) and Kate had actually gone together to Principal Wells after he’d issued a warning letter to Max that Dana had found crumpled up in Max’s room( _‘look, her room was disgusting and it’s not like she noticed if I tidied up a little- she needs the help’_ ). Together they had cornered the alcoholic who had blown up Nathan Prescott's already huge ego by taking bribery over punishing the future murderer and _discussed_ with him, exactly how many people knew those facts. 

That Max never would have been there, in that situation if he had done his job and that didn’t she deserve a little linance after watching her best friend die? They pointed out Rachel Amber and Kate had backed him into a corner with her own attempted suicide, after Nathan and a teacher at this cursed hellhole of a school had _drugged_ her.

Wells had sputtered and stewed and claimed none of that was necessary, as long as Max showed up _sometimes_ and the agreement had been made. The only class that was the real struggle was Jefferson’s, and Kate understands this especially- even she would sit out the occasional class. Not for the first time, she is thankful for the blank spots in her memory.

The girl before her now, faded blue eyes now lively, hands animated- this is someone she hasn’t seen in far too long. Kate ponders the distance between them, across the table but somehow so much further when she catches the way Max’s hand lightly taps Victoria’s shoulder, the way they seem to almost forget she's there- until Max flashes Kate that warm smile and asks her opinion about whatever they were bickering over, reminding her that of all people, Max would never leave her behind. Kate’s heart flutters in her chest.

It was that feeling that made her question... but realistically Kate knows she isn’t ready for anything more than friendship. She isn’t ready to be close to anyone, not intimately, not after what had happened to her and while she’s not completely adverse to the idea that she may indeed be gay… she doesn’t think she’s the person Max needs right now anyway. 

Victoria will challenge her- Kate can already see it now.

Victoria will snap and growl when Max isn’t taking care of herself, where Kate will quietly nag and prod and do her best but Max doesn’t always listen to her and Victoria is the type of person who will _demand_ to be heard. The way Max is looking at Victoria right now(playfully dodging swats, calling Kate in for backup)- Kate concedes, that no matter how she might feel… she wants what’s best for Max.

And if that happens to be Victoria Chase… well, she could live with that.

“May the lord light their path.” Kate murmurs the prayer to herself (Victoria shoots her a strange look, but says nothing at all).

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a little while, sorry about that! It was nice writing a happy chapter and I think I've got the hang of where I'm going with everything :) I went back and tweaked some little things/tried to catch any more typos from the first couple chapters too!
> 
> If anyone has any questions about anything, any helpful writing tips you want to share or you just want to chat- I made a kik(republic_of_wolves) and a gmail(republicofwolves@gmail.com) 
> 
> As always, you guys are awesome and I really appreciate you all taking the time to read/comment/kudos!


	4. Everywhere I go

-Monday-

Max's POV:

“ _I was worried you forgot about me.” Chloe smiles wistfully, sprawled out in bed and there’s a haze of smoke and the familiar smell has Max’s nose crinkinling. Outside the window, the world is burnt orange and yellow at the edges, white where she squints too closely. Not a memory, not a moment that had happened, either._

_“Never.” Max returns the smile, just as wistfully and crawls into the bed, resting her head into Chloe’s shoulder. The warmth is almost real, the rise and fall of her chest and right now even the smell of weed and cheap beer are everything she has ever wanted._

_Max knows she’ll wake up soon, but for now, this is enough._

_Chloe threads long fingers through Max’s hair, massaging her scalp, a practiced motion. “Really? You did promise, Maximus prime.” The waver in those words has Max looking up to see Chloe’s eyes are closed tightly, trying to stop tears. Her Chloe never really cried around her. “It’s so selfish, I know. I want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to leave me behind, either.”_ _  
  
_

_“Never.” Max reaches up to brush strands of blue hair out of the other girl's face, leans up so that she can see her properly now. It’s been so long and she just wants to remember this moment, to map every inch of Chloe’s face until it’s burnt into her mind, fresh where it had been faded by distance and time._

_Max brushes their lips together and Chloe’s fingers lock into her hair in response, pulling her down and then-_

_Emptiness, in the place where Chloe had been just a moment ago beneath her. Max hovers over nothing but air and the bed is the same, still warm and rumpled but looking around, she sees that the room has been completely emptied, boxes scattered about, walls barren._

_“Chloe, come back.” Max chokes out, a strangled cry of desperation._

_“Please._ **_Please.”_ **

_But she’s alone and no one answers her cry. Why were their goodbyes such absolute shit?_

  
  


When she wakes up, the headache has set and solidified behind her eyes, concrete weighing her head down into the pillow beneath it. It takes effort to blink away the remnants of the dream, to wipe away the wetness from her eyes. Guilt coils in her stomach. 

“ _I was worried you forgot about me.”_

Yesterday or maybe the whole weekend, hadn’t she let herself forget? And then there was Victoria and every time she’s around the blonde- this feeling, it’s something like… _hunger_. 

The guilt coils tighter, slithering its way up around her neck to tighten around her throat and a wave of nausea passes through her.

  
  


Max lay there for another few minutes, staring at the ceiling. Her mind is still far away when her phone buzzes with a notification.

(3 new messages) the screen reads, when she pulls it out from underneath Captain who watched her with sympathetic button eyes. 

It’s already 1:30 in the afternoon. The day had already trickled by while she had wasted it away- granted, she had been lying awake the majority of the night, unable to sleep, unsure of where to go or what to do. Max hated being alone with her thoughts, in the dark where there was no escape and everything always comes rushing back to her in those moments. She had been tempted to knock on Victoria’s door, to see if the blonde was still awake but had brushed the thought away, instead settling on a sleeping pill that would inevitably force her to oversleep yet again. 

They were a blessing and a curse- you want to be dead to the world? Great. Do you want to wake up the next day with cotton mouth and the peculiar sensation that you actually got no sleep at all? Also great, here you go.

Rubbing the last traces of sleep from her eyes, Max opens her texts. It’s a relief to see Victoria's name on the screen as well as Kate’s.

**Victoria** : Hey, u good?

 **Victoria:** Sorry just haven’t seen u around today

**Kate:** Hi Max, I’m here if you need anything. Thank you again for yesterday :) xoxo

Max chews her lip, debating a response- and whether or not she should bother to go to the last class of the day. It was Monday so… photography class, once the highlight of her day, now the key that unlocked the darkest place in her mind. It didn’t sound at all appealing and that makes the decision to ditch all the easier. 

‘Hey guys, I know I’m already failing but I’m probably going to play hookie today, sorry!’ Max turns the screen off. That would definitely bring them rushing to her door and she hasn’t been conscious long enough to generate an adequate excuse, not one she hadn’t already used this semester anyway. So what then? ‘Sorry guys, I’d rather sink into my depression than even _try_ to function?’ Yeah, sure, that would go over so well and she wasn’t ready to be quite _that_ honest anyway. She decides not to respond.

The orange bottle on her desk beckoned her, but was the ease of the ache in her chest worth the hollowness that took its place? Rationally, she knows she needs to keep up with her doses, but maybe she just wanted to _feel_ this, to actually live it instead of masking it, as masochistic as it is. It doesn’t feel right to hide from the results of what she has done and when she crosses the room, it’s to toss the bottle into a drawer out of her sight.

She runs fingers through her hair in a feeble attempt to tame it before getting dressed. Light blue jeans, a black t-shirt and hoodie, beat up converse(of course). Something catches her eye as she ties her shoes- a worn out shoe box peeking out from under her bed. 

  
  


She grabs it, lifts the lid to reveal it’s contents even as her hands begin to shake. Chloe’s bullet necklace. A pack of cigarettes and a firewalk lighter. A couple of polaroids, Chloe on the bench at the lighthouse, Chloe dancing on her bed, the selfie they had taken together in Chloe’s bed and… another photo that she refuses to acknowledge, hidden in an envelope at the bottom. 

Max grabs the selfie shot, placing it gently into her bag, between the pages of a book for safe keeping. She last minute grabs the pack of cigarettes and the lighter too, because why not. If she was going to be a problem child, why not go all the way? She’s almost smiling by the time she cracks her bedroom door open to survey the hallway, and finds it empty. 

Ninja mode, activate.

She has almost, _almost_ just reached the door when she hears the creak of a door behind her and a voice following it. Dog, so much for ninja mode.

“Hey, Max is that you? Wait up.” A hoarse cough, shuffling and Max turns to meet Taylor who is wrapped in a fuzzy pink robe and slippers, holding a tissue to her reddened nose. She is clearly dying, but for some reason roused herself when she heard Max creeping down the hall. Almost like she had been waiting… “How are you?”

“Um, I’m fine Taylor, but you look like the walking dead right now.” Max states bluntly, because the girl is visibly swaying and Max steps forward to steady her.

“Oh, whoops.” Taylor giggles, gripping Max’s offered arm even as she’s teetering too far over to the right, losing balance and Max uses the momentum to guide the girl back to her own room, barely having the strength to keep them both upright but managing. “Sorry Maaax, I just wanted to check on you!”

“Oh um, thanks? But is anyone checking on _you_?” Max urges the girl to sit on her bed, notes the box of tissues and the half empty bottle of nyquil next to her bed. Dog, nyquil messed Max up anytime she took it too.

“Oh yeah, Tori has been checking in between classes!” Taylor nodded overenthusiastically and thankfully she was sitting because falling backwards just meant laying down this time. “She’s so nice.”

Max helped the other girl position herself more comfortably, with a lot of struggle (‘I don’t wanna lay down’ ‘You’re _already_ laying down, we’re just making you comfortable’ ‘oh’).

“Tori, huh?” Max finally smiles, having broken a sweat maneuvering the blonde around, but mind still lingering on the nickname. Cute. ‘Tori’ was actually kind of a good friend, it seemed. Max found that she wasn’t entirely surprised, given this weekend. 

“Mhm, ya. Tori.” Taylor yawned, eyes sliding shut as she burrowed under her comforter and Max notices an alert on Taylor’s screen ‘ _New Message : Tori <3’ _and resists the temptation to check it. She was really trying to work on the whole being nosey thing.

Tearing her eyes away from the source of her temptation, Max turns back to Taylor who is fading fast. “I’m going to get going, are you gonna be okay alone?”

“Ya, m’good.” Taylor slurs out, rolling over into a ball underneath her sheets.

“And you’ll get Victoria if you need anything?”

“Mhm, thanks Maxi. I can see why Tori’s starting to like you.”

Max’s brain screeches to a halt at that, but if the light snoring that broke the silence was anything to go by, Taylor was officially out cold.

‘ _Tori’s starting to like you._ ’ Replayed in her mind as she made her way out of the dorms, successfully this time to the bus stop without any interruptions. Did Victoria realize that maybe Max was starting to like her too? Not that she had ever really hated the blonde in the first place(okay, just a _little_ bit).

But what did any of that even mean? Would Victoria feel that way if she knew…?

The guilt, again, writhing inside of her. The blonde deserved to know the truth. That Max had been the reason she had died in the dark room in their first, original reality- the same one where Kate had jumped. No matter what she did to protect anyone, no matter what she said, things had all gone wrong and she was starting to believe that maybe the people she cared about were better off without her- everything she touched turned to ash.

Max rubs at her burning eyes, climbing onto the bus when it arrives and settles in a vacant seat towards the back. Plugging her headphones in, she lets the music flow for the duration of the ride, freeing herself from her thoughts.

“ _I want you more than I need you_

_And I need you so bad_

_Are you coming back?_

_Are you coming back?_

_I’m waiting”_

***

Victoria’ POV:

After breakfast Sunday, they all had gone their own way on better terms than they had ever been. 

Victoria caught Taylor up on everything, when her notifications threatened to overheat and ultimately _melt_ her phone, because the girl was just so damn persistent. Over dinner in Victoria’s room she divulged the details of her weekend and her inner turmoil to Taylor who would at least understand some of what she felt- both of them had bullied Max and Kate, though Victoria had always been the ring leader.

She had actually apologized to both of her victims and somehow, against all odds, her mother didn’t magically appear to berate her as she had expected. When the voice in the back of her head had risen up, hackles raised, she had managed to stifle it- something she was getting better and better at.

It had been worth the trouble, Victoria had decided afterwards when she was alone to remember the way Max had squeezed her hand one last time before they parted. Said hand tingles at the memory.

Monday was already proving to be a drag. She’s fairly certain she bombed her chemistry exam and Taylor was in her dorm with a cold that had reared its head overnight, so she’s stuck with Courtney trailing her through the halls, prattling on and on about some drama with Juliet and Zachary that Victoria can’t help but roll her eyes at. The brunette doesn’t seem to mind Victoria’s general disinterest, luckily.

Victoria hadn’t seen Max around campus(not that she was looking for her, of course), but she ran into Kate at the start of her day and had surprised the other girl with a subtle wave that Courtney didn’t notice, so lost in the sound of her own voice. Victoria was rewarded with a bright smile that she had unwittingly returned. 

She is finally able to relax when Courntey unlatches herself to get to her next class, photography not being one they shared and Victoria is more than happy to free herself- to finally drop her guard. Courtney is a reminder of who she used to be and how she just doesn’t quite fit anymore- she is only Queen in name now, with the vortex club all but brushed under the carpet. They hadn’t hosted a single event since the cancellation of the End of the World party.

Nathan Prescott had been the King to her Queen and now that there is blood on his hands, they had all tried to distance themselves from what the Vortex had stood for- all things wealth, drugs and glamor, the epitome of highschool popularity. It was difficult to look back now and to realize how idiotic it had all been. That lifestyle had brought out the worst in all of them.

Nathan had written her letters that she had promptly trashed upon their arrivals. The only time she had replied was to demand that he not write to her parents home anymore- they had threatened to disown her if she ever had contact with Nathan again, but it isn’t just the threat that keeps her at a distance.

There are still so many questions she has for Nathan. Questions she will never ask, isn’t even sure she wants the answers to. 

( ~~Would you really have let him kill me?~~ ~~Did I mean so fucking little to you?~~ )

Taking her usual seat, Victoria notes that Max isn’t in class today and feels the familiar tug of worry as she clacks her nails impatiently on her desk, willing the clock to move forward to no avail. It’s the longest class of her day and Mr. Clark isn’t the type to cut corners. She’s trapped. When she catches Kate’s eye she sees her concerns reflected back.

The vibration of her phone makes her jump and she reaches into her pocket to check it under her desk when Mr. Clark’s back is turned.

**Kate** : Have you seen Max today? :(

**Victoria** : No, was going to ask you the same

That was no good. Max had been known to skip quite a bit lately, but she had seemed so much better yesterday. Had she misread how the little hipster was actually doing? She decides to call in reinforcements. Okay, _one_ reinforcement, ie. Taylor.

**Victoria** : Hey Sweet-T, I know you’re bed bound for the day, but will you keep an eye out for Max for me? Just let me know if she’s around, she didn’t show up to class today and I’m kind of worried

 **Victoria** : Bringing you more supplies after class, sorry I couldn’t stick around xo

**Taylor** :Ofc <3 thank you so much, you’re the best friend a girl could ask for xoxoxo

***

Class couldn’t end soon enough and when Courtney arrives just on time, Victoria waves her away with a promise to meet up later. Taylor had done as Victoria had asked and she crossed the room to update Kate who is waiting patiently at her own desk.

“Taylor says she caught Max leaving the dorms, but she’s not sure where she wandered off too.” Victoria says, keeping her voice low as there are still curious stragglers, most likely surprised to see the two of them anywhere near each other. Alyssa stays the longest to watch, only backing off when Victoria shoots her a death glare.

“I’ve noticed that she does that, sometimes.” Kate admits, eyes downcast as she packs her belongings. There’s defeat in the hunch of her shoulders. “I had hoped after Sunday…”

“Me too.” Victoria nods her understanding. It was early to hope, but they had both done it.

“Victoria,” Kate begins, fidgeting with her bag before continuing. “I think there’s something else going on with Max. Something more than…”

“Yeah, I- I think I know what you mean.” There was more to Max’s panic in Mr. Jefferson’s classroom and it’s easily the class she skips the most often. Victoria grits her teeth, wondering not for the first time if… 

Max had always been his favorite. The thought makes her stomach lurch.

“She won't talk to me.” Tears spill from Kate’s eyes and she wipes them away in frustration. “She thinks I don’t realize that she skirts around whatever it is, but she’s been getting _worse_ and I can’t help her if she wont let me _in._ Do you even realize that you’re the one who got to her, somehow?”

Victoria starts at that, confused at the unexpected tinge of bitterness in those words. She hadn’t done _anything_ to help Max after everything that happened to the girl. All Victoria had done was sulk at her own damn pity party. She tells Kate as much, because in no way was Victoria ever a better friend than Kate and she can’t take the hurt in the other girls eyes.

“Just, please keep trying?” Kate pleads, pinning Victoria to her spot besides Kate’s desk with her gaze. “She hasn’t reached out to anyone until you. Hasn’t even tried, until you.”

And that renders Victoria speechless. She is saved from a need to respond when Dana steps between them, dressed as provocatively as ever and Victoria turns to her so she doesn’t have to look at Kate anymore(she hates seeing Kate cry now, hate’s that there had ever been a time that she would have mocked her for it).

Victoria lets the mask slide into place, cool indifference settling into her features. She doesn’t need a mirror to know what they see- cold green eyes, a challenge brimming in them.

“Is she giving you a hard time, Katie?” Dana’s words are frosted over, eyes narrowed at the blonde as she siddles next to Kate. Victoria’s eyes linger on the hand that Dana places protectively over Kate’s shoulder. She arches a brow at that and Dana’s cheeks flush, just a touch even as her glare intensifies.

“No- not at all! Victoria was worried about Max, that’s all!” Kate raises her hands defensively, looking between the two of them with wide eyes. Pleading for peace while they stare each other down.

“And why would that be?” Dana eyed Victoria suspiciously, but her shoulders slacken at Kate’s words. Not enough to back off, but no longer on the offensive, at least.

And why exactly did she owe Dana an explanation? Oh, right. She didn’t.

She’s Victoria FUCKING Chase. Had she gotten so soft, that people were starting to forget that?

“Mm, awfully brave of you Dana,” Victoria motions towards the hand that is still resting on Kate’s shoulder, the closeness between them as though Dana is shielding the other girl. “Hunting after the straight, abstinent Christian. Does she even know?”

Dana stiffens, jaw dropping open before she can stop herself. Victoria smirks. It had been a guess, she hadn’t realized exactly how true it was.

“That’s what I thought. Now why don’t you mind your own fucking business? Hmm? Good girl.” Victoria practically purrs, ignoring Kate who has gone ghostly white, eyes darting between Victoria and Dana, who is quivering with indignation. The flush of her cheeks is no longer subtle.

Why go for the kill, when you can go for the pain? (She had learned something from her mother, after all)

Victoria has just turned away, when Dana growls out a retort despite Kate’s hushed attempt to calm her. “What does Max think of all of this, Victoria? You, trying to get in her pants after you almost drove Kate off the roof? How does she feel about you, after Nathan killed her best friend? Do you really think she could forgive you for any of it? Even you can’t be that much of an entitled _bitch._ I don’t know what game you think you’re playing, but I had really hoped you were done fucking everyone around you over. Guess I was wrong.”

Victoria stills, feels the heat of both of their eyes burning holes into her back. Tries to suck in a breath and finds that she _can’t._

“Fuck you, Dana.” 

It’s a weak response, barely an exhale past her lips when she rushes away.

***

Max’s POV:

Stepping off the bus, Max takes steady strides to her destination- one she is more than familiar with. In her mind, she imagines a phantom doe, with its ears perked, leading her on and up the rough dirt path.

She’s not sure why she keeps coming back. It’s a repetitive task at this point that brings as much comfort as it does grief, but she’s been going through the motions for so long and isn’t it common for ghosts to linger around spots that had meaning to them? And in her own way, Max is kind of a ghost now, isn’t she? This was the place they had shared their final moments and it’s enough that she finds her way back here, again and again. 

_“That’s probably not healthy.”_ Chloe’s voice muses and Max manages a half smile, doesn’t bother to look around- she knows she’s alone here.

“Talking to the ghost of your dead best friend isn’t exactly healthy, either.” Max grouses, taking a spot on the lighthouse bench to watch the seagulls weaving their way through the air below along the shore line.

It’s a gorgeous, sunny day and the temperature is just right. It’s nothing like that day, rain pelting down like bullets, icy cold and piercing. The wind had whipped around them furiously, the tornado looming on the horizon and they were both soaked through to the bone, their lips meeting for the last time and- _why?_

_“_ Why did it have to be her?” A question she had wondered since the first time she had to watch Chloe die and it never got any clearer. 

Silence.

Of course, Max is used to being ignored by the universe by now, but still she sticks her middle finger up in the air for whatever celestial being that enjoyed fucking with her entire life to see. She fishes around in her bag and pulls out the selfie of her and Chloe and wedges a cigarette between her lips. Manages to light it on her 3rd try. Inhales, only to hold back the cough the acrid smoke filling her lungs causes. Who liked this burning sensation? Ugh. 

Still, she takes another drag, holds the picture out to stare at it with straining eyes even as the nicotine rush leaves her light headed. She strains until her eyes sting, remembering that morning and she just wants it back, just this once. Just to go back, one more time to when they were both happy, before they knew the truth, before the world unraveled around them. Before she had to choose.

It doesn’t work. She had expected as much, but it still hurts.

Realistically, it probably wasn’t the best idea to go back- she could cause another storm or worse, for the sake of her own desires, for the itch of her curiosity that wondered where her powers had gone. That was probably why the universe had stripped her of her powers in the first place- her curiosity left death in its wake, hadn't it? 

Who the hell thought giving an 18 year old the power to travel through time was a good idea, anyway?

She would have laughed, if it was funny.

“ _It kind of is, Maxipad. When did you get so cynical? We had a lot of fun with your power!”_

“Yeah, when you weren’t busy getting yourself killed, maybe.” Max chuckles bitterly and she feels jittery, foot anxiously tapping away on the ground. The cigarette leaves an unpleasant residue on the back of her tongue but she inhales again.

“ _Don’t you think it’s time to let it go?”_ Chloe’s words are a soft whisper on the breeze that rustles the trees around her and Max’s grip tightens on the polaroid, crinkling the edges.

“I can’t, Chloe.”

_“Can’t? Or won't?”_

****

She had decided to go to Joyce’s house, wondering how the woman was doing after yesterday's visit to the diner. Maybe it had been insensitive to bring the blonde, but Max hadn’t known Joyce was even aware of Victoria’s existence aside from her appearance at the funeral(that had surprised even Max).

Outfront of the forever half painted house, the lawn is overgrown, blades of grass dying and swaying in the light breeze. Max wills herself forward, to knock at the door. 

She reaches out to knock again, after just a moment when the door opens, her fist still raised. Joyce greets her make-upless, the bags under her eyes deep set, but her eyes brighten when she sees Max.

“My my, Max. I sure have been blessed with your presence lately.” Joyce smiles tiredly and steps aside to let Max in. The house is quiet. There is no blaring punk rock from upstairs, no bickering, no cursing. The faint smell of weed is still imprinted into the carpet, the furniture, maybe even the walls and somehow it’s comforting. Chloe would have liked that a part of her would never be worn out of this house. 

“Hi, Joyce.” Max returns the smile, taking a seat at the small kitchen bar as Joyce settles back into whatever it was she had just finished cooking. It smelled like some kind of stew and Max’s stomach grumbled its cry for help. Traitor.

“You always were a hungry girl.” Joyce drawls out with a chuckle and doesn’t wait for Max’s response before she’s heaping a bowl of stew and a dinner roll in front of Max. “Go on now, don’t be shy. I… I tend to make a bit more than we need, nowadays.”

Max nods, forces a bite down even as the thought of Joyce still cooking for that third person in her life who is gone slashes another wound in her already bleeding heart.

“This is amazing, Joyce.” Max forces a smile as it settles in her stomach, dense as stone. She had always loved Joyce’s cooking but eating had become more of a chore than anything. “Where’s David? Is he working after..?”  
  


Joyce flinches at this, barely noticeable but it’s the slight twitch of the skin around her eyes, the crease above her brow that is her tell. “He’s been staying at a hotel in town, last I heard. He’s helping out at a garage until he finds something more consistent. He’ll be stopping by for dinner later this evening, though.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” And she is, because even if she had never liked David- he had saved her, had believed her when they warned him about Mr. Jefferson. When death had been there to claim her, he had been the guardian angel she had never asked for. Even in this reality, he had finished off as the hero who uncovered Jefferson and the Prescott families schemes. She had heard recently though, the Prescott’s were actively trying to crucify the man- something about trespassing, breaking and entering. All bullshit.

Max may never grow to like the man, but he had earned some of her respect. (“ _Ugh, not stepdouch, Max.”_ )

“After losing Chloe, I just… I’m not ready to move on. It isn’t fair to David, but when has life ever been fair?” A sniffle, Joyce dabs at her eyes with a cloth and Max looks away. Blinks away her own tears.

“I... I understand. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to move on. Chloe was the best friend I ever had- I wish I had been here sooner.”

Joyce places a warm, calloused hand over Max’s with a brief squeeze.They sit in their mutual grief for a few moments, the two people who had loved Chloe Price more than anything else in this world. The two people who lived every day wishing they could change it all.

“You’re here now, Max.You still have an entire life to live, darling, but after something like this… well, it’s not going to be easy for either of us.” Joyce smiles kindly, love in her eyes that had always made Max feel like she had a second mother in Joyce. “All I know is, Chloe would want you to be happy. Yes, yes, I know my daughter. Always so angry after losing you and her father, but that anger came from a place of love. A place of loss. She would never wish you ill.”

“I… I hope not. I wish I had been a better friend.” Max admits, finishing her meal as painstaking as it is. 

“There’s nothing you could have done to change what happened when you were kids. You didn’t want to go, that was always clear as day. Chloe knew that, even if she never would have admitted it. You two were thick as thieves. Our little pirates.” Joyce’s shaking her head with a laugh. “Now honey, as much I enjoy your company- don’t you have classes to be at? You’re not getting into any of those rough crowds, are you Max? That young blonde girl…”

“Victoria Chase. No, no rough crowds Joyce- you know that was never really my scene.” Max shifts awkwardly in her seat under the gaze of an intent parent. It always felt like Joyce could see through her. “She’s actually not so bad. Things have been really rough for her after everything that's happened… It feels like maybe she understands what it feels like. You won't tell my parents I was playing hookie though, will you? ”

“Times like these, it never hurts to have an extra shoulder to lean on, I suppose. And no honey, you’ve always been a good kid. We’re all allowed our moments- just don’t make a habit of it, okay? I expect to see you at your graduation after all.” Joyce pats Max’s hand once more, before turning back to the kitchen to start the dishes.

Max surprises Joyce with a quick hug, the other woman chuckling lightly.“Thank you, it was really nice seeing you again.”

‘That was for Chloe, Mrs. Price’ She doesn’t speak these words out loud.

“You too, honey. Don’t be a stranger.”

***

Max’s last stop is one even she questions.

American Rust is exactly how she remembers it- a junkyard of abandoned objects, dejectedly rusting in a place where they had long since been forgotten. A place Chloe had called her home away from home, her little treasure in the dullness of Arcadia Bay. 

This was Chloe’s favorite place, her escape from the world and Max still remembers the childish glee in Chloe’s eyes when she first brought Max here. In that moment Chloe had been the pirate she had grown up with, eagerly leading Max to her secret base. Max had pretended not to notice the hopeful side glances in Chloe’s blue eyes, trying to gauge Max’s reaction, like she expected Max to reject it. 

Chloe should have known better than that- even years apart, Max would always be her first mate and even as oblivious as she was, she knew it was a high honor to be allowed into a pirates secret base. Chloe had chosen her.

The dirt path leading her further in takes her to their makeshift shooting range, where there had never been a set up of glass bottles and target practice- Chloe hadn’t been shot there. Looking around, she remembers that Chloe had died in this junkyard twice. Rachel Amber had been buried here and that memory rushes back to her unbidden _-_

_The smell. Oh god the smell, rotting meat and decay beneath the earth where the sun has baked the remains of the girl Chloe_ ** _loved_** _and Max can’t stop herself from keeling over and away, acid splattering across the dry earth, Chloe’s wails of dismay ringing in her ears._

_“What kind of world_ **_does_ ** _this?”_

The memory alone has her on her knees, stomach emptying itself of her previous meal until she’s dry heaving.

In retrospect, maybe they should have known it was a trap, but you know what they say- hindsight is 20/20.

Rachel’s body isn’t there anymore, she tries to calm herself. Nathan had admitted to everything, after David Madsen had reacted to Max’s anonymous tip that put an end to Jefferson’s dark room.

When she is able to stand, she makes her way on wobbly legs to the shack where Chloe and Rachel had made their hideout and collapses into the seat that had obviously been taken from a car somewhere and she tries to focus on breathing. Not on the way her skin feels clammy and prickles from the memories. Not on the _smell._

Outside the sky has just started to set and Max closes her eyes, lets herself lean back and tries to forget everything that had happened in this junkyard. Why is it that no matter where she goes, she can never escape the past? If she just went back to Seattle, wouldn’t it have been easier…?

The last thought in her mind before she drifts into unconsciousness is that she will never abandon Chloe like that again.

*** 

Victoria’s POV:

After her interaction with Kate and Dana, Victoria is utterly drained. The panic attack had washed over her so quickly, she almost hadn’t made it back to her room before it started, the walls closing in on her as breathing became a battle. It had lasted fifteen minutes, longer than any of them had ever lasted before and all it took was that reminder.

That reminder that she was a shit human being and that Max Caulfield and even Kate Marsh would never forgive her. 

Her mind kept resurfacing the look of hurt in Kate’s eyes, no matter how hard she tried to force it away. 

When she had calmed down enough, smeared make up wiped away and had showered until the shame was scrubbed from her skin, she made a quick trip out to keep her promise to Taylor. Now, standing in front of the other girl's door, paper bag in hand she enters Taylor’s room without bothering to knock. She had some of Taylor’s favorites- a container of chicken noodle soup and a thermos of hot chai tea and honey ready to go. 

Setting her supplies on the bedside table, Victoria seats herself next to Taylor, on the edge of the bed. The other girl stirs slightly in response, head poking further out from under the comforters. Victoria takes the opportunity to press the back of her hand to the other girls forehead, finding that she is still indeed feverish. “Sweet-T.” Victoria brushes damp bangs to the side.

Taylor had checked in with Max, as requested despite how sick she obviously was. Victoria continues to play with the other girl's hair, who mewls in response, eyes still closed. Taylor had tried without question, simply because Victoria had asked it of her and the swell of fondness in her chest is overwhelming. “Taylor?” She repeats softly.

“Hey Tori.” Taylor’s sleep thickened voice croaks out, eyes slitting just enough to look up at Victoria. “Max seemed okay.”

“I’m more worried about you right now. I think your fever’s going down, but the nurse will be by to check on you shortly, alright?” Victoria says, glancing at her phone. The nurse would be here any minute. “Think you could eat the soup I brought for you? There’s hot tea for your throat, too.”

“Maybe in a little bit? Just so tired.” Taylor’s eyes slid shut, nuzzling closer to wear Victoria sat.

When a sharp knock sounded through the room, Victoria let the school nurse in to take over. The woman was a bit stern, but she would take care of Taylor in Victoria’s absence and she leaves with the promise to check in again in the morning.

After leaving Taylor’s room, Victoria confronts the massive pile of homework that she has let build up- something she has never done before, generally preferring to stay on top of her workload. Her straight A’s had dropped here and there to B’s, unforgivable in her parents eyes.

She pushes through it all until her eyes protest and revolt when she attempts to read the same line for the millionth time. Giving up and closing the book, she reaches for her phone. Almost 9pm. 2 new messages from Courtney, 1 from Kate.

**Courtney:** I heard about what happened with Dana, the audacity of that bitch!! I’ll slash her tires Vic, I swear it

 **Courtney:** if you want me to, of course <3 

**Victoria:** Sweet, but she’d most likely suspect exactly who it was. Thank you though xo

**Kate:** What happened earlier? I’m sorry Dana was a bit rude, but she cares about my wellbeing. You can’t blame her for being concerned, given our history. I would appreciate it if you two could make up :( 

No accusations, no outburst. Just concern. An explanation. A hand being offered out by Kate, who only wants to understand why Victoria is the way she is.

Victoria puts her phone down, crawls into bed. Continues to listen closely for Max’s arrival that never comes. 

She dreams of her view from the ground, staring up at the rooftop on a rainy Tuesday afternoon.

This time, Kate jumps.

***

Max’s POV:

“ _Max, wake up… you know it’s not safe here, alone. This is where he found us, don’t you remember?” Chloe murmurs earnestly in her ear, fingertips ghosting Max’s shoulder-_

Max’s eyes snap open, bolting upright from where she had been leaning against the concrete wall. Jerking her head around, she sees that it’s now full on dark and that she isn’t in her dorm. She’s still in the shack and it’s the dead of night, just like _that_ night and she tries and fails to steady her breathing. 

Fumbles with her phone(fuck, she’d been asleep for at least 3 hours) and doesn’t think twice before she makes the call.

***

If Victoria is concerned or even angry about Max calling and waking her up to pick Max up at a junkyard in the dead of night, she doesn’t express it immediately. In fact, her face is carefully blank and Max is on edge, waiting for _something_ that she can feel coming. She was such an idiot, falling asleep there, for having to call Victoria for help because none of her other friends had cars. Except for Warren, of course, but that’s a can of worms she refuses to open even if she had needed the help.

Eventually, Victoria snaps out of whatever had preoccupied her thoughts. Max feels the static, the warning in the air before Victoria speaks.

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking?” Victoria growls low in her throat, fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“I- I don’t know, I didn’t mean to…” Max lamely responds, hanging her head to stare down at her hands, wringing themselves in her lap.

“Do you know how worried I was? You never came back, we didn’t know where you were…For fucks sake Caulfield, I thought I had the monopoly on only thinking of myself.” 

Max flinches at this, bites back the small noise that leaves her throat because Victoria is right- Max is selfish, has always been so _fucking selfish._

The silence in the car is uneasy after that, Victoria stewing in her own thoughts and Max trying to disappear into the leather seat. The only sounds are the quiet hum of the engine, the AC blowing just cold enough that Max shivers in her seat. Without a word, Victoria reaches to shut it off, ignores Max’s mumbled thank you. They pull into the Blackwell parking lot just after 11pm and make their way back to the dorms, where Max expects them to part ways.

Except, they don’t.

Victoria stands there in the hallway, filling the space between their rooms- face finally revealing an edge of uncertainty, her gaze flickering from Max to Max’s door before she finally speaks.

“Can I come in?”

“Y-yeah, of course.” Max anxiously jerks her chin in a nod, moves to the side to let Victoria into the room and fumbles for the light switch. Winces at the way Victoria surveys the mess with concern. Eternally grateful, when she keeps whatever she might have to say about it to herself.

Max moves to sit on the bed, letting Victoria settle herself into the couch, crossing and uncrossing her legs. Smoothing her skirt down and the whole outfit looks hastily put together, mismatched and very unlike the usually immaculate blonde. She had rushed to Max’s rescue, made it in record time- Max understood why now.

Max waits, until the blonde is ready to speak. She deserves whatever is coming her way and braces herself for impact- this is why she is so surprised when Victoria's next words are not the attack she expected.

“I know we’ve never been close before. That’s my fault.” Victoria acknowledges sadly, picking at her manicure, eyes looking anywhere but at Max. “I’m always kind of a raging bitch, it’s almost like a full time job at this point.”

A deep breath, Victoria clearly searching for her next words and Max watches pink lips working themselves into a frown. 

“I’m trying though, to be better. To be here. I’m… glad you called me. And… I’m sorry I snapped at you.” Victoria confesses, so quietly Max has to strain to hear her. “Kate’s worried- I mean, _we’re_ worried that there’s something you haven’t been telling us. And if you’re not ready, that’s okay but...Is there? Something else?”

Aside from Chloe, she means. Max has been keeping the secret for so long that it’s welling up inside her, bubbling towards the surface begging for release, beckoned by Victoria’s words. The weight of it all is crushing her and it’s only a matter of time until Max breaks and she _knows_ this. They all know it.

And she is so tired of holding it all in. Is this all it took? Victoria being here? Saving her from herself, from her own stupidity? 

Looking at the blonde, who watches her apprehensively, eyes a darker green in the dimness of the room…The dam breaks.

Max tells her. She tells her how it all started in the bathroom and the first time she rewinds time, the first time she sees Chloe die. She tells Victoria everything (almost anyway- she mostly glosses over their experience in the dark room) and once the words start, they refuse to stop, tumbling past her lips in a mess of memories and truths never meant to be spoken. Everything she remembers about the dark room, watching Kate plummet from the roof(Victoria inhales sharply at this), finding Rachel Amber's body. The storm and how she had to choose.

Sacrificing Chloe.

“I loved her. ” Max cries, painful sobs that wrench from her throat because this is the first time she has ever said those words out loud. The mattress shifts with added weight and suddenly she is pulled down into the bed, surrounded by the lightness of Victoria’s perfume, the silk fabric of her top, the warmth of her skin as she wraps her arms around the brunette who collapses into her. 

“I loved her so much and I never even told her. I let her die without telling her.”

***

Victoria’s POV:

They stay like that for what feels like an eternity, Max sobbing into Victoria’s chest, Victoria crying her own tears into Max’s hair as she tries to hold the smaller girl together the way someone might try to tape up a hole in a sinking boat.

It doesn’t do much, but she tries.

****

Max's POV:

_“I love you too, you know.” Chloe says around the cigarette dangling between her lips._

_They’re at the lighthouse again- it’s always the lighthouse, the diner, or Chloe’s bedroom. They never got to explore much of the world together. Terrible pirates._

_Chloe is watching the sun set over the crashing waves, sitting on the bench exactly the way Max remembers her and she stumbles forward, wraps her arms around the girl from behind, the bench between them and she can smell the tobacco, the honeysuckle shampoo Chloe used, can feel her here._

_“I’m sorry, Chloe.” She rasps, tightening her grip. “I’m so sorry.”_

_“Max…” Chloe sighs, leaning her head back into Max’s chest. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that wasn’t even your fault.”_

_“But it_ **_was_ ** _my fault Chloe. I fucked up everything! I should have chosen you- it always should have been you, you didn’t deserve_ **_any_ ** _of this.”_

_“If you had chosen me… they’d all be dead. My mom, your friends, even Victoria,” Chloe shakes her head, takes an unsteady drag of her cigarette. Her words are laden with the weight of her fatigue, older somehow in death. “all of them gone. Would that really have been so much better than this…? At least they get to live, Max- we couldn’t be selfish about this.”_

_“It’s just- it’s just not fucking_ **_fair._ ** _I loved you so much and we didn’t have enough time, you never got to live your life.” Max sobs into Chloe’s neck from behind, holding onto her with all of her strength. The way she should have held on back then._

_Chloe holds Max’s arms tightly to her chest, keeping her just as close, thumb circling patterns into Max’s skin._

_“You and I both know; I was never meant to have a happy ending. And this was_ **_never_ ** _your fault.”_

When Max wakes in the middle of the night, her cheeks are still wet. She stirs or tries to at least, but someone’s arm is draped around her, a thin body pressed into her back.

“Shhh, you’re okay. I’m here.” Victoria whispers the words out, threads fingers through Max’s hair to gently scratch at her scalp. “You’re safe here. Go back to sleep.”

Max nods, squeezing her eyes shut and lets herself be held. 

She doesn’t dream anymore.

***

When she wakes up, Victoria is gone. Max reaches for the sticky note pressed into Captain’s chest, where he lay beside her in the blondes absence. The words are written in dainty cursive, glaring back at her:

_I need time. I’m sorry._

_-V_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really proud of this one, I'd like to think I'm getting a little better the more I practice c: I just want to say I really appreciate all of you for reading and your thoughtful comments, I know I sound like a broken record but you guys rock for real! Chapter 5 will mostly focus on Victoria I think, to see what’s going on in her head- poor girl.
> 
> Wishing you guys all the best through these difficult times <3
> 
> Chapter title is from 'Everywhere I go' by Lissie [Link text](https://youtu.be/QqSBWGnhDO4)
> 
> The song Max is listening to on the bus is 'Waiting' by Alice Boman[Link text](https://youtu.be/ciOMOzSvLww)


End file.
